December 2010
34 posts
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Unscientific x-rated poll below!
Happy Holidays to everyone and hope you got all the gifts you were hoping for. For some reason when I think of the holidays and special treats somehow Anal Sex always comes up and this year has been no different.
A professional Dominatrix was being interviewed and was asked about men who enjoyed being penetrated with dildos and such. The interviewer asked first...
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Baierman’s favorite links of 2010
I’ve posted over three thousand tasty links this year. First, on yesbutnobutyes.com, then on the Breakfast Links. Some links were good. Some funny. Some serious. Some favors for friends. Some self-promotional. Some NSFW.
To come up with a decent Top 10 Link List, I combed my delicious and Diigo links since January. Click. Enjoy. And reminisce. 10, This is why women aren’t in charge of sports....
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Happy Holidays from Desonesto
By Adam Ferguson
“You’re so disgusting. It’s Christmas and the only thing on Desonesto is you and Thomas talking about your bathroom habits. I thought we raised you better than that.” -My Mother
It may be a bit too late, especially for the Jewish people who’ve already celebrated Hanukkah, or the people who celebrate Kwanzaa and whenever that occurs. But we at...
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Talking Shit with Adam and Thomas
Adam: I just took an amazingly clean shit. No spackle hit the walls - if you know what I mean.
Thomas: The teflon drop.
Adam: It was crazy. I could have served Christmas dinner on my butt cheeks.
Thomas: Must have been one hell of a wax job to keep the canyon walls clean like that.
Adam: Oh trust me, there's no where to hide on my backside.
Thomas: I took a shit so big the other day, my ass was bleeding like Macaulay Culkin after a sleepover at Neverland.
Adam: How the hell am I supposed to come back from that? That was good. That was almost too good.
Thomas: Did I rush it? Felt like I rushed it.
Adam: No - very well crafted. Though please tell me you had to look up how to spell "Macaulay." No one should be able to pull that one out without spellcheck.
Thomas: Is it right? I guessed.
Adam: I'm on to you and your pedophiliac ways. When you move to a new neighborhood, are you required to walk around and introduce yourself to the neighbors?
Thomas: No, I don't need to. They get notices from the government. And besides, he's OUR AGE.
Adam: Yeah, but still a bit creepy.
Thomas: Speaking of gay - are you aiming for the Marines or the Navy?
Adam: Huh? (Thinks for a second) Oh you fucking dick. Coast Guard.
Thomas: It's not gay if it's underway.
Adam: I took a shit so potent, George Bush was thinking of invading my anus and exploiting its natural resources.
Thomas: I took a shit so soft, Rex Ryan has a new fetish.
Adam: I took a shit so long, beavers use it to build their houses.
Thomas: I took a shit so hard, I texted a picture of it to Brett Favre.
Adam: I took a shit so angry, they made it wear a Hannibal Lecter mask.
Thomas: I took a shit so poorly put together, I had to pay Chinese import taxes.
Adam: I took a shit so large, Jenny Craig is thinking about instituting it as a new diet plan.
Thomas: My last shit had so much corn and rice in it, we're forcing it on Ghana ... and I get a rebate.
Adam: I took a shit with so much force, Yoda said I'd completed my training.
Thomas: This is not the shit you're looking for. I had a shit with so many things in it, Paul Jr is making a theme bike with it.
Adam: Wow... not everyday a man makes an OCC reference on IM.
Thomas: Same goes for Jenny Craig.
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Your Christmas Gif
If you’re not happy with your Google Blacklist Christmas card, this inventive idea should be more your style.
Hit up Unwrap a Christmas Gif and see what funny gif from 2010 is in your stocking.
These gifs are the gifts that keeps on giving. (Say that 3 times fast.)
Just hit the Exchange my gif button, slide your cursor back and forth over the wrapping paper and see for yourself.
Merry...
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Google Blacklist Christmas Card
What a great idea. Send Christmas cards based on all the words banned by Google.
Hit up GoogleBlackList now.
Then “construct a lovely Christmas message from all the words google has blacklisted. It will be offensive.” So you may not want to send it to your boss.
I’ve created my special greeting for you, and all our Desonesto readers. It’s NSFW, but I hope it helps make...
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Top Ten (New) Rules for the Office Holiday Party
By Adam Ferguson
A few years ago, I made a list of ten rules one should follow at the office holiday party. At the time, I was a peon working for a horrible online marketing company that specialized in stealing both you and your friends’ identities and selling them to advertisers for a stupid large amount of money.
A few years later and I’m now the co-founder of a new company...
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Trollquotes ho...
I love this new visual MEME dubbed Trollquotes because it will let you annoy lots of different people at once. Plus, it’s easy to do.
Here’s how:
1. Pick a photo of someone people idolize or love.
2. Find a famous quote from a similar personal or character to that photo.
3. Attribute the quote to a completely different third person or character.
I’ve put a few together...
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WatchBy Thomas Gallant
I have a dog, a very large dog. He is the complete antithesis of Adam’s cat (insert pussy joke here) and is usually very quiet. Today a friend of mine brought over his six month old Bernese Mountain dog to get some play time with my Great Dane. They played peacefully for a while and then both decided to have a conversation with each other. While neither dog has ever...
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What's in a name, Brooklyn New Yorkers?
About a mile from my house in Brooklyn, they’ve begun construction on a new arena. When completed, it will be the site where the yet-to-be-renamed New Jersey Nets lose a majority of their NBA basketball games.
Now, in the past few days the rumor-mill has been buzzing with a possible name for this relocated Jersey team. One suspicion is the team will be called, get ready, the Brooklyn New...
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Twits the Night Before Christmas
By Adam Ferguson
Did you know you can follow the Desonesto Doctrine on Twitter? It’s almost like the real thing, only less verbose and not as bloggy. Also, it doesn’t smell the same. You know, like when you sit in a Mercedes and it’s filled with that Mercedes smell, but then you hop in your aunt’s Toyota Avalon and, despite her telling you it’s a luxury...
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Adam's Van On Sale For Christmas
By Johnny Wright
Need the perfect gift for your creepiest uncle or co-worker? The one with pegged acid-washed jeans, fanny pack and wispy mustache. Does he lack wheels for his desired lifestyle? Does he have a dubious sign in his yard? Adam Ferguson has the gift for you!
For a limited Christmas time only, Adam is selling his beloved and well used trap, van at sale prices! Tis the...
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8 Christmas Foods That Should Be Forgotten
Grandma may speak fondly of them. You may here about them in songs or stories. You may see recipes posted online or on blogs.
But these holidays foods are just strange, gross and need to be avoided. At least, I think so.
Strange Gross Christmas Foods
Yes, I’ve eaten or tried to eat (most) of these dishes. I regret that I did. 8. Figgy Pudding
Give us some figgy pudding? Sure kid, you can...
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Why online dating sucks, or advice for the angry...
Present4me2010: the internet has provided a venue where I no longer have to put up with women’s bullshit and have to play your stupid games
Present4me2010: i simply send out enough messages to enough of you stupid cunts and eventually I meet someone
The above lines are taken from an IM session that started out innocently enough and then turned into this guy ranting and raving about how...
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Top 5 Worst Christmas Songs
By Adam Ferguson
There you are in Pottery Barn, checking out a “unique” desk lamp that every other person who thinks they’re stylish and original owns, and suddenly you hear it - the first few chords of a song you only hear during the last month of the year. A song you “think” you enjoy, but are too drunk on holiday cheer to realize it’s one of the worst...
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No Defense For WikiLeaks
By Johnny Wright - National Correspondent
Pictured above is a WikiLeaks “bunker,” where some of the mayhem has come from.
The notorious hacker and controversial figure Julian Assange is in custody. This is in direct connection to his alleged sex crimes in Sweden. If he’s guilty, the charges are pretty ugly. However, I can’t help but wonder if there is going to be a way...
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Choose your Religon with a flow chart.
November and December are big months of the year for a few of the world’s major religions. Lots of big holidays and chances to spread the message of their brand of holy beliefs.
Perhaps you’re conflicted in your current theology. Maybe you’re not really sure where you’ll fit in among the God’s out there.
Fear not non-saintly souls, this a handy-dandy guide can help...
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Black Swan is One Fucked Up Movie
By Adam Ferguson
I saw Black Swan last night, and I want to warn the world that it’s one of the most fucked up movies I’ve ever seen. Imagine your parents naked. Now imagine the neighbors down the street - the neighbors who used to babysit you - come over and all four just start going at it. And someone brought a donkey. Suddenly, your dad starts spraying lemonade out of a Super...
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Johnny Utah's Failure to Bring Bodhi to Justice
By Cleet
I am sure I am not the only one who holds a special place in their hearts for Point Break. Only now, 19 years later do can we truly appreciate the bombastic power that Keanu and Swayze brought to the genre of film. Sure, this movie will not appear on any list of the greatest of all time but those lists are composed by stuffy, myopic film snobs that could never appreciate a movie like...
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Do Sexy Cardboard Lady Cops Deter Accidents?
The citizens of the Czech Republic drive too fast. Accidents are on the rise. But installing thousands of new stop lights is expensive. So, officials needed a creative solution that worked with their austerity budget. They tried something unique. Life-sized cardboard cut-outs of mini-skirted policewomen. These fake lady cops were placed on the side of the road. They held up stop signs in dozens...
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10 holiday gifts you can't afford but rich folks...
It’s bonus season and the well-to-do staff at Desonesto is here to help.
We’ve asked each of our writers to pull something from their personal holiday list and share it with you, our luxurious readers.
Quickly, we had our 10 things you need for your gift list. Even if you can’t afford these things, you could dream of them.
Gothrod Chopper Chair
This relaxer combines hot rods and rest...
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Talking Shit with Adam and Thomas
Thomas: i just took a shit so big i needed to use a logsplitter before i could flush
Adam: I took a shit so violent, my neighbor had to turn up the volume on Starship Troopers.
Thomas: mine ripped so loud the power company showed up to see which transformer exploded on my block
Adam: My shit was so huge, it changed Earth's polarity and the flush switched directions.
Thomas: my shit starred in the sequel: two girls, 6 cups
Adam: My shit was more rotten than the last three Adam Sandler flicks.
Thomas: my shit had more corn in it than the entire Iowa State wrestling team
Adam: My shit was so scary, the 33 Chilean Miners went back into the mine to hide.
Thomas: My shit was so big it filled said mine
Adam: My shit was so inspiring, they changed it to WikiShits
Thomas: I spent 15 minutes on the phone with my shit and saved 15% on my car insurance
Adam: weak
Thomas: very
Adam: My shit was so huge, Google tried to buy it for $6 billion.
Thomas: My shit took so long to get out, I had to take a 5-hour energy just to finish
Adam: My shit was so large and dangerous, the US sent troops in to look for Bin Laden
Thomas: My shit was so awesome, they made an app for it.
Adam: My shit smelled so bad, some French dude tried to turn it into Fondue
Thomas: My shit is so powerful, Iran has discontinued nuclear enrichment
Adam: My shit was so popular, five different people made UpGo groups for it.
Adam: (self promotion)
Thomas: My shit was so talented, it's starting in front of Brett Favre on Sunday
Adam: My shit was so intense, Christopher Nolan is using it as a plot device for "Inception 2"
Thomas: My shit is so charismatic, it is the mayor-elect for New Orleans
Adam: My shit was so chunky, Sean Astin made it do the Truffle Shuffle before entering his house.
Thomas: My shit was so big, it's going to have 110 trails and 12 lifts open by january 1st
Adam: My shit was so big, it requires a permit and parental approval before riding.
Thomas: My shit was so loose, Tiger Woods gave it his number
Adam: My shit was so loose it contracted Crabs from Thomas Gallant.
Thomas: My shit was so tight, Adam Ferguson gave it his number
Adam: My shit was so ugly, Thomas Gallant tried to breast feed from it.
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Inspiration from Adam...
And now back to the dick jokes….
Why doesn’t a chicken wear pants?
Because his pecker is on his head!
Feel free to add your favorite penis joke below!
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Technical Difficulties
By Adam Ferguson
Because we’re aiming to be hip and cool, we operate on the Tumblr platform. We also drink classic cocktails, refer to each other as “hepcats,” and only speak in jive. But because Tumblr was more broken than your sister working at that desert sex farm, the Doctrine wasn’t operating at full capacity - or any capacity for that matter for the last day.
...
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World To End 5/21/11. Or Epic Birthday To Me!
From the crank file…
I’ve reached an age where I don’t really look forward to my birthday. (Let’s just say I’m closer to 40 then 30. And I’m far from 21.)
I don’t get all depressed about my bday. I love the cake, presents, congrats from friends and birthday sex that comes along with it. I just don’t like adding another number to my years on this...
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Tips for a New York Holiday
By Adam Ferguson
As New Yorkers, we take a lot of shots at tourists, both here at the Doctrine and in our daily lives. This co-habitation with those who invade our city is defined as a nuisance by bother parties. (Tourists clog up our streets and we continually try to steal their wallets.)
But this year, I’m turning the other butt cheek. Instead of making fun, I’ve gathered some...
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In the Shadow of Palazzo Riggi
By Adam Ferguson
I spent the Thanksgiving holiday in Saratoga Springs, NY. This quaint town, pulled from the scripts of a Frank Capra movie, could serve as the very definition of “Americana.” Located at the foothills of the Adirondacks, Saratoga Springs is known for their horse racing and the natural springs that spout from the landscape. But there’s something else going on...