Women Alleged Murderers Bang-O-Meter
By Adam Ferguson
Would I bang Casey Anthony? I’m not sure. Girl sure does like to party, and she’s just trashy enough to let you fingerbang her in the parking lot of a Ruby Tuesdays. But how does she stack up against other “alleged” female murders? I fed her data into our NASA-created Bang-O-Meter and came out with some results on a scale of 1 - 10.
1. Eileen Wuornos
Banging Eileen Wuornos would be like putting your unit inside your high-school gym teacher - the one who used Billy Ray Cyrus as inspiration for her hairstyles. She rates so low on the bang-o-meter because she even made one of the most beautiful people in the world, Charlize Theron, seem unbangable for a whole year.
2. Andrea Yates
She barely made it out of the one spot, but only because, unlike Wuornos, she’s probably taken a shower in the past year. Still, she’s completely devoid of bangability. Some might be able to overlook the fact that she drowned her 5 innocent children in the bathtub, but sister needs to do something about that haircut. At no point has a man said, “Damn, I wish my girl had some sweet-ass bangs.”
3. Susan Smith
Remember that chick from the original Beverly Hills 90210, the one that wasn’t hot, but smart? I’d bang her over Susan Smith, despite their slight resemblance and only because that 90210 chick probably wouldn’t kill me and use that as leverage to start fucking someone with more wealth and pin the whole thing on a black guy. (Did I mention Smith was from South Carolina?)
4. Diane Downs
What is it with these women killing their children? Why can’t they just do what my mother did and send me to boarding school while she spent her days in bed drinking vodka and calling Phil Donahue a cock smuggler? Diane Downs shot three of her kids and killed one of them. At one point in her life, she was probably bang-able. Despite her resemblance to Skeletor, she was straight-up 70s style at the time of her conviction which means she had a pube sweater the size of the Rub ‘al Khali.
5. Darlie Routier
Let’s forget that she stabbed her children. Let’s forget that she’s on death row in Texas. This chick’s husband is asking for a divorce - after she’s been in jail for 15 years. Newly divorced chicks like to party. Though this could be slightly problematic what with lethal injection hanging over your head and the fact that the guards “like to watch.”
6. Brittany Holberg
You know you’re out to kill someone when you stab them with a grapefruit knife… and then shove a lamp pole five inches down someone’s throat. Because Holberg killed her victim in Texas, she’s going to die because of it. There’s a certain sexual desperation in people whose days are numbered. Ah Texas, is there anything you can’t kill?
7. Susan Wright
Former topless dancer? Check. That should do it right there. She claims she killed her husband - by stabbing him 193 times - out of self-defense because of abuse. And yeah, domestic violence is horrible. But 193 times? This chick was determined. At stab 10, I would have been like, “Gee, I think I went a little overboard here,” but Susan kept on at it. She also dug a hole and buried her husband’s body in the backyard. So not only is she cute, but she’s helpful when making crudités or doing yard work.
8. Kristin Rossum
I was totally unaware of Rossum and her case, but the details are pretty impressive. First, she was a meth addict which means any teeth she has left will probably fall out mid-BJ. Second, she met her husband in Tijuana - which is like taking a red flag, lighting it on fire, and putting it on YouTube with a kitten and a dude getting hit in the fuck sack. This marriage was doomed from the start. So it’s really no surprise when Rossum brought fentanyl home and killed her husband with it - hoping it would look like a suicide. Never the less, she’s pretty cute and looks like she could have been a member of the Junior League if she hadn’t made that trip to see the pony show in Mexico.
9. Casey Anthony
Your daughter is missing and what do you do? You go out and party. That act of pure selfishness is nothing short of amazing. If your priority is to get drunk on a frozen mudslide while getting it on in the men’s restroom with a “philosophy major” from the University of Central Florida all the while neglecting to tell the police that your daughter is missing, that’s some fucked up shit. But there’s no denying Casey Anthony’s Jersey Shore meets Tori Amos fan looks. Listen, she probably wouldn’t be the hottest girl in your high school, and she definitely wouldn’t have been at mine, but take a look at Eileen Wuornos up there and consider your options.
10. Amanda Knox
There’s a reason the press called her “Foxy Knoxy.” She’s got the cute girl-next-door vibe, and she’s fluent in Italian which will come in handy when you take her to the Olive Garden on your first date. Plus, according to her testimony she’s into some pretty kinky sex shit. Or, at least, she was until she spent a few years in an Italian prison. That kind of shit will change a woman, just ask Martha Stewart. Still, when it comes to alleged female murderers, Amanda Knox takes the top spot on our bang-o-meter even if a jury determined she probably didn’t kill anyone.
