iPhone 4 Play
By Adam Ferguson
I’ve made many poor decisions in my life, up to and including a suggestion we re-write Taio Cruz’s “Dynamite” and use it for an eating disorder campaign. (“I throw my food up in my hands sometimes…”) But one of the best decisions I’ve ever made was purchasing an iPhone. I bought it back when they first came out and used it to pick up chicks. This was so successful that I wrote a three part article about it for YesButNoButYes. (Part I, Part II, Part III) But since then, I’ve convinced a fantastic girl to date me; either through brainwashing or steady checks from my parents dumped into her bank account. Whatever the case, she’s stuck around me for quite a long time and I truly think it’s just because I had an iPhone.
The problem is, she just ordered one from Verizon.
We were on a trip through the Rockies in Colorado and used the GPS on my iPhone to safely guide us through mountain passes as well as find the nearest bathrooms (her) and furry conventions (me). I’d buy us last minute movie tickets, discover the latest museum shows, make reservations at restaurants, and suggest we put on coats due to the weather alert push notification I received. All the while, she looked at me longingly as if to say, “My man can provide (information) for me.”
This, however, will no longer be the case once her new iPhone arrives next week. I hate to ruin the surprise for anyone, but I’m not exactly a “catch.” I barely hold down jobs, I own a cat, my lunches consist of Cheetos and Jolly Ranchers, and I have no muscle mass to speak of … just a nipple on a rib. And so what will become of my relationship once she discovers the one remaining thread that’s held us together this long is no longer relevant?
I suppose I could learn a new skill, like cooking or cunnilingus. But those take too long to master and I’m not a big eater. (Beat) I thought about getting severely injured to the point she’d have to stay with me out of guilt and feed me applesauce. Then there’s always the thought of putting a ring on her finger, but as I spent the last two weekends playing my kazoo in Grand Central Terminal busking for change, I’m pretty sure most jewelry stores would laugh me out of their establishments.
And with that I turn to you our dear readers. What is a man to do in order to maintain a relationship even though the only thing he brought to the table is about to be replaced?
