SBTB Tournament: Special Guests Region
We traverse over to the other half of the bracket to find a packed region of Special Guests. So far it appears high seeds have the advantage. Will it continue? Continue on to vote for your choices.
Girls of Zack Morris Region here.
1. Rod Belding
Mr. Belding’s brother Rod was brought in as a substitute for Mr. Dickerson after he had a meltdown and gave everyone in the teacher’s lounge an F. Like Gherig for Pip or Brady for Bledsoe, Rod made an epic impact on the world of Bayside. He started by having the students rip up their tests. Then he gave them whatever grade they though they deserved. The kids, especially Zack took to Rod immediately and proclaimed him best teacher evar because he was liek “one of the guys”. This of course led to tension between him and older brother Richard. It is clear they were two distinctly different personalities even though 50% of their genetic material was the same.
The Rod episode culminates with him convincing the kids to drop Richard’s plans for a class trip to Yosemite and instead go white water rafting. This of course furthers the disconnect between the bros and even Zack tells the principal to his face he is just jealous. However, the night the class plans on leaving Rod informs his brother he can’t go on said rafting trip because Inga, an airline stewardess (or flight attendant as today’s standards) who is a 10, is in town and he wants to hit that. He tells Richard to cover for him and at first Richard says no and tells him to get out of his school. Yet he doesn’t want to disappoint the kids so he instead says Rod has the flu. Zack had overheard the conversation and apologizes to Mr. Belding for the things he said. They then share a tender male-contact moment.
Does Rod deserve to be cast in such a negative light? I mean if he had been allowed to stay he could have done other special things with the kids? I wish I could have seen what this Inga looked like, because that might sway my opinion. Zack of all people should have understood Rod’s motivation. Either way Rod was gone but he left a lasting impact on fans of the show.
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16. Stevie
In the middle school years, Stevie was a former student of Miss Bliss who was actually Colleen. But Stevie was her rockstar persona, cut in the mold of Tiffany. She traveled around the world wearing a red wig but in truth just wanted to take a break and be a normal girl. She decides to hold one last concert at her former school before going on hiatus to attend Notre Dame. I think it is pretty clear now where the creators of Hannah Montana go the idea for their show. Stevie WAS the original Hannah . Zack and MSY Jessie make a bet as to whether he can kiss Stevie and the loser had to do the others gym clothes. Zack employs the tried and true strategy of saying he has the fatal disease “deskarosis”. [Hate to interject here but come on Zack, I know you were still a young 8th grader but just say your have cancer or AIDS, he didn’t think ahead of what the disease would be so Miss Bliss busted him cold] Zack ends up losing the change to get kissed on stage but ends up kissing Colleen so technically he did kiss her. Nicki (MSY Jessie) better have paid up.
The Match-up: Rod is a polarizing figure so it is tough to gauge if people will stick with him to the end, Stevie could have had her own Disney spin off if Disney were not investing in the Mickey Mouse club with Timberlake and Brittney Spears at the time.
8. Casey Kasem
Casey had two stints on SBTB. He played himself both times, now that’s range. The first was as the host of the televised dance competition that took place at The Max. This was the episode where we learned that Zack couldn’t dance. He ended up learning from Jessie and then partnering with her instead of having a dance-off with Slater to see who Kelly would pair with. Interesting choice, he basically let Slater use practicing with Kelly for the contest as an excuse to put his mitts all over her. Hmmmm, I wonder if Slater learned from this experience about getting close with a dance partner and then using that to springboard into a relationship. The real stars of the contest end up being Lisa and Screech. Lisa sprains her ankle and therefore thinks her chances are done. Screech comes to the rescue and helps her create a dance that is both epic and still viable today, “The Spain”. They win the contest by virtue of topping off Max’s Applause-o-meter and even Casey joins in on The Sprain at the end of the episode.
Kasem’s second appearance was in the Behind the Music: Zack Attack version. The gang rise to stardom out of their garage to win a Grammy, but in the end they implode. It was like every story on Behind the Music minus the drugs and alcohol. Kasem is there to chronicle all the highs and lows and by the end of the episode they reunite to “sing” the greatest song ever conceived. As Casey says in closing “Friends forever, it’s a nice idea.”
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9. Ken Kelly
Rappin Ken Kelly was a hip radio DJ who hosted a radio contest at The Max for a trip to Hawaii. Zack decides to have Screech manipulate the phone lines in order to be the caller who wins. However, Zack must get to The Max and answer 3 questions in order to win said trip. This becomes a problem when Mr. Belding throws him in detention. As Zack tries to make it there, Ken starts to grow impatient even as he wows the crowd at The Max with his voice work. Zack finally makes it there but fails to get the third question right. Now being a huge fan of trivia night, I had have many issues with the third question Zack had to answer. The questions were supposed to be about Hawaii and the first two were. The third was “What ancient Japanese artform involves pruning miniature trees?” Now Zack should have known because Mr. Belding had a Banzai tree in detention and was pruning it for an anniversary gift to Mrs. Belding but he was too busy trying to bust out of detention. Why ask a question about a Japanese hobby when it is for a trip to Hawaii. I know Japanese culture probably has influenced the islands but it was a bullshit question in my opinion.
The Match-up: Kasem obviously had a greater career than Kelly as Kasem was national but will the voters give him the long-distance dedication?
5. James the Actor
What actor in California hasn’t been a waiter at some point? I have a friend right now who is a waiter/actor living in LA as we speak. James turned in three award-winning performances at Bay(dock…view…SIDE!) as he helped out the gang. The first was when Zack was in hot water with Mr. Belding for the F F D and C he was earning in class. Faced with the prospect of his father meeting face to face with Belding, Zack has James first impersonate his father. Then James impersonates Mr. Belding to fool Derrick Morris. The plan works even if James goes a little over the top in his performances. The plan hits a snag though when Zack’s father sees an opportunity to sell a computer to the fake Mr. Belding. Things come to a head at the carnival fundraiser for the annual ski trip. Mr. Morris sinks Belding in the dunk tank and even refers to him as a jerk. When Belding asks his name Zack activated the dunk tank again. An irate Belding says he is calling his father and the jig is up.
James’ second performance occurs in the SAT episode, one of SBTB Nation’s favorites. James returns to work at The Max after leaving his part in Cats done in dog suits. When Jesse scores well below what she wanted and is rejected by Stansbury (the Harvard of the West) the gang has James play a recruiter from Harvard that wants Jessie to attended there. Mrs. Billingham, the rep from Stansbury, is impressed that Harvard is interested and tries to lure Jessie back but being the stubborn, misplaced iconoclast that Spano is she rejects the very school she craved so badly. [Seriously she let one representative from the school make her decision out on the entire institution. Hey your friends just fooled her, take the acceptance and run with it.] James’ portrayal of a Harvard man is quite exquisite. His long drawn out “Haaaaaaaaaaaavahd” is how most of us pronounce the school today. His railing against Zack and his 1502 SAT score is classic theatre. My favorite is when he busts out “Young man you’re not fit to shine Jessica Spano’s shoes!”
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12. Craig Strand
If you’re looking for the perfect representation of an Ivy League frat boy douchebag, then look no further than Craig Strand. He is Stacey’s boyfriend from back east, and surprises her at the Malibu Sands. He informs her he is going to “pin” her. Now I was never in a fraternity so I assume this is how guys in frats brand the women they want to be the breeder of their soon to be over-privileged kids. He then wins the charity ATV race by knocking Zack out of the way on the final lap. Quite a feat for this Yale man. Zack doesn’t complain against what Craig did because he is quite familiar with bending the rules. Either that or he was just crushed by the fact that Craig walks off with Stacey. In the end however, Stacey dumps Craig and tells Zack that she loves him. I was pretty upset we never got to see the dumping scene, Craig must have been incredulous.
The Match-up: I’d love to see James in his Harvard recruiting role have a conversation with Craig on the banks of the Thames during the Harvard-Yale Regatta.
4. Jeff Hunter
The insidious Jeff is a number 4 seed. He’s the Calipari-led Kentucky of the tourney. Both 4 seeds, both nabbers of prized recruits, and both a little oily. The sleazy, slimy, smiley Jeff got a job as the manager of The Max while he began attending UCLA as a freshman. He wasted little time on hitting on his underage waitress Kelly. You have to respect the guy’s game though a little bit. He swoops in and wedges in on perhaps the greatest power couple this side of Mark Antony and Cleopatra. At first his technique was innocent, he pauses when he is introduced to Zack as Kelly’s boyfriend and even let’s her off work so she can go out with him Saturday night. But once they get some one on one time he drops some compliments on how she looks. Suddenly they somehow are the only two left in the place one night and he totally goes in for the make-out. Clean, cold, efficient. Before long Kelly is dumping Zack at the Costume Ball and giving Jeff some of that pie they don’t serve at The Max. Not only does he steal her but he manages to get the support of the rest of the gang. Some of it was Zack acting out against Kelly (which I don’t blame him for) but at Lisa’s sweet 16 party Jeff plays nice-nice. [side note: He doesn’t bring anything to the party, bad form] He smiles at the ladies and strikes up a wrestling conversation with Slater. Even Zack shows up and gives him the “treat her right” line. But he doesn’t, he ends up hooking up with other tail down at The Attic. Kelly eventually catches him with the help of the others and he flees The Max in search of another place to pursue jail bait.
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13. Cynthia
Cynthia made her appearance in the final Malibu Sands episode. She plays Slater’s secret admirer, who waited all summer to approach him. You have to wonder why she would be so shy, considering she bares a striking resemblance to Denise Richards…err I mean Dr. Christmas Jones. Her plan culminates in her staged drowning in which Slater comes to her rescue. She reveals her plans in the surf and Slater of course is into her. Later at the farewell Luau, Slater introduces her and informs the gang that she is going to Bayside the coming year. She allows Slater to call him a babe because of his dimples.
The Match-up: How ironic that these two face each other when Jeff pulls another classic babe steal when he takes Cynthia from Johnny Rico.
6. Chief Henry
Old, wise, and always quick with a joke Chief Henry was a friend of Ms. Wentworth who became a mentor to Zack. During a family tree project Zack finds an old picture of a Native American (the most PC they get in this episode is calling it “American Indian” as this episode took place back when all natives to this country where still called Indians.) and makes a mockery of the culture in his presentation. Ms. Wentworth sends him to Chief Henry who is different than Zack expected. When he meets the Chief he is wearing a Dodgers hat and when Zack asks why he says “Because a Raiders helmet was too hot”. Zack says he doesn’t want to learn anything about his long lost relative, just enough for a 5 minute presentation. Chief, seeing he is just trying to skirt by, gives him a pile of books to read. Zack eventually comes back and shows genuine interest in learning about his ancestor. Henry, who has now dubbed Zack “Running Zack”, says he is ready to tell him of the exploits of his people. With a new friendship formed and new understanding for his roots Zack aces the presentation and is ready to take on Valley at the all important track meet. However, Chief Henry passes away which devastates Zack. He says he can’t run in the track meet but a visit from Chief in his dream convinces him otherwise. IN the dream Zack asks Chief Henry why he had to die and he retorts with the classic line “Oh they don’t give you much choice up there.” Zack finds a special band Chief Henry made for him with the words “Beat Valley” on the back when he wakes up. He decides to run and I can only assume he led Bayside to victory.
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11. Marvin Nedick
Marvin “No Neck” Nedick is Valley’s big heavyweight wrestler who faced off against Slater. The match was a big deal for Slater who was then undefeated. However, when Slater find he doesn’t know what he wants to do when Career Day arrives. At first he says he’ll just be a wrestler but the others dismiss this as folly so he becomes engaged in cooking class. He informs Nedick his hands will be “breaking eggs instead of your neck” which is ironic since Nedick’s moniker implies he is sans neck. This creates a problem for Zack since he bet his dirtbike against Nedick’s on the match. The only problem is Zack doesn’t have a dirtbike. In the end, Slater has a quiche he was making blow up and he realized he doesn’t need to choose a career yet. Jessie concurs with his statement, even though earlier in the episode she was one the most vocal about Slater not knowing his future. Slater beats Nedick with a nasty suplex in a classroom clearly not designed for a wrestling match. The match lasts about 5 seconds. Zack gloats to Nedick that he wins his dirtbike but his boasting catches the ear of Mr. Belding (Zack should have waited until he was out of the tiny classroom) and tells Zack not only will he not collect the dirtbike (as if he can stop him) but also has earned a lot of detention.
The Match-up: It’s hard to say what happened to Nedick after Slater destroys him. My guess is he quit wrestling because Slater was unbeatable. We know what happened to Chief Henry. Can Nedick pin an old Native American chief?
3. Max
Max was half restaurateur, half magician. He was always quick with a basket of fries or a trick up his sleeve. His teen hang out provided hours of fun for the kids of Bayside throughout their entire high school career. Max often helped the gang with advice or a kind word always incorporating magic. In it’s time The Max hosted a nationally televised dance party, a band showcase for a record executive, a fashion show, a radio contest, a dance, Kelly’s birthday party, a telethon, a farewell Luau, a sock hop, a senior kick-off party, a cut day party just to name a few. The Max is actually owned by the School Board which led to the telethon mentioned in which Zack and the gang raise $10,000 to save the pace from getting bulldozed. Max disappear for awhile. Perhaps he had enough success to hire managers to do his day-to-day duties (like Jeff….oh Max what did you do!). I’ve heard that him and Doogie Howser were real good “friends”.
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14. Allison Fox
Allison was the prototypical Valley Girl although at first you wouldn’t know it. She made her appearance in the chess episode as a Valley spy for her boyfriend Guy-Guy and Vinny who made a bet of $300 with Zack and Slater on the state chess championship. Valley has a ringer, a Russian named Peter Breshnev. Screech however feels invincible because of a lucky beret given to him by his girlfriend Violet. Allison poses as a reporter of Chess Boy Magazine and learns of Screech’s secret hat and then steals it from him. He ability to switch from normal speech to Valley talk (like Oh my God For sure) is uncanny. Zack and Slater jump Brezhnev and Zack impersonates him but is discovered when Brezhnev somehow opens the janitor closet he was stuffed in and hops all the way to the auditorium. Screech and Peter are allowed to play after the bet is called off and Screech wins in about 5 seconds (standard SBTB sports competition duration), capturing the title.
The Match-up: No love lost here for these two. Word is Max is not interested in Allison’s curves and Allison would rather be hanging out at the Galleria.
7. Kevin the Robot
Kevin was a robot that Screech programmed. Kevin was always a friend to Screech that never judged him in the way others so often did. His model was in the mold of the robot Rocky gets for Pauly in Rocky IV. Kevin has a scary amount of human emotion to him. I don’t know if he was capable of activating SkyNet but he could be the precursor to the machines that do. He plays various roles in Screech’s adventures from deputy hall monitor to magician assistant during the Miss Bayside pageant. I feel Screech did not use Kevin enough to get women. Kelly was very impressed in the episode where she falls for Screech during his science tutoring.
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10. Gem Diamond
Gem was a con artist who fooled Zack into buying class rings that were not real gold. The guy was as greasy as they come. He worked his operation with his beloved Ma. After he fools Zack he lets him know all sales are final but is brought back by Zack to The Max where Zack has staged a con of his own. Screech had become obsessed with Tori so Zack had her tell Screech she was devastated by the fake ring. Screech shows up in ninja garb and beats up Zack and Slater who were playing along. Gem is so startled he promises to replace the rings as long as Screech doesn’t hurt him. As James Woods said in Diggstown, never hustle a hustler. Gem also appeared later in California Dreams where he sold a shitty car to Samantha.
The Match-up: Kevin’s approach should be carefully calculated for maximum performance but Gem is slippery himself.
2. Johnny Dakota
Johnny is a hotshot movie star who is crafted in the Charlie Sheen mold of #Winning. He does drugs, hangs out with hot trim, and hosts all night parties at his house. However, he is brought to Bayside to film an anti-drug commercial. No one likes a hypocrite. Johnny is at first embraced by the entire school, especially Mr. Belding and Zack. Of course he puts the moves on Kelly and succeeds (shocker?). He picks the gang to star in the commercial with him and then invites them to a party at his place. As the gang leaves, Kelly is coerced into staying behind. That’s when the weed is busted out. Kelly just says no and Zack comes back to get her. The kids tell Mr. Belding and the commercial is scrapped leaving Johnny quite upset. Luckily Mr. Belding knows the president of NBC and they end up filming a new, spectacular commercial at Bayside. I’m sure Johnny’s career was not harmed by the incident, I mean just look at Robert Downey Jr.
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15. Nicki Kapwoski
Kelly’s little sister developed a crush on Zack after he compliments her skill on the baseball field. Not ashamed of trying to steal her sister’s boyfriend, Nicki puts the full court press on Zack. Meanwhile he is working on a 900 number teen line scam. When both Kelly and Nicki call the teen line Zack switched the calls leading Nicki to think Zack wants to take her to poundtown. Zack decides to not be honest with her but rather act like a dork so Nicki would be turned off. It doesn’t work and when he comes clean Nicki is upset with Zack’s lack of immaturity. No word on whether Nicki tried for a rebound move when Kelly dumped Zack.
The Match-up: Something tells me it was a bad idea to put these two together. Johnny Dakota is a player, but this is a tournament so we will leta player play.
Last Four Out: Helen Billingham (Stansbury material), The Clegg twins (Valley’s prank war twins), Brian Fate (Zack Attack’s manager), Penny Belding/ Becky Belding (Belding’s daughter/wife)
