Masturbatory Economics
By Thomas Gallant
I was having a discussion recently about how astronomical cable bills have gotten. I think my current bill for Cablevision is something on the order of $200 per month cash, 10% equity stake in my home bundled with call options on my first born child and my left testicle. (Joke’s on them, I only have a right testicle.) Every month it seems like I’m looking over the bill and trying to figure out where I can cut costs. Maybe I’ll get rid of this house phone line I never use? Sure, sounds like a bright idea until you realize that if you get rid of the $20 phone bill, the rest of the bill actually goes up by $30 if you don’t have the “Triple Play.” Ok, we’ll keep the phone. Internet, $50. This is like cigarette pricing, it could be $200/month and we’d all still be paying it. Ok, keeping the internet.
How about actual TV? I don’t need all of these fucking channels. I don’t watch the 7th derivative of TLC or MTV12 (or is that the one that still plays videos?). I get HBO, but I don’t need all 10 of those either. Can I have just the regular HBO please, the one with Entourage? Nope, take 10 HBO channels and shove them down your throat. Ok, fine, let me get rid of all the HBO, what’s that save me? $3/month. Fuck. Ok, I’ll keep it.
As my friend said to me the other day, “you can’t get rid of the Playboy channel either.” Funny thing about this statement was that he doesn’t know I have it, and he’s a single guy and just sort of admitted that he did. It was awkward for 15 seconds or so. Then I started thinking. He’s absolutely right. The Playboy channel runs for $9.95/month, and then you can get On Demand for an additional $4.95/month. I believe that’s somehow equivalent to HBO pricing, only you don’t get the 9 extra channels you’ll never watch. So why is it so vital to keep this $15/month in the cable bill? Simple economics.
Let’s face it: you masturbate. Call it what you want: jerking off, choking the chicken, investigating your crime scene, knuckle shuffling. Or for the ladies maybe you’re double clicking your mouse or showing an earthquake to the little man in the boat. The point is, we all do it. Most of us like to do it with a little visual stimulation. The fact is, you can’t beat (sorry for the pun) $15/month for all you can eat porn (Fuck, did it again. Sorry). Try, I dare you. Look up what online porn subscriptions cost, I think you’ve got a deal if you’re spending less than $25/month, or so I hear. Even on cable an on demand porno will run you $9.95 and you only have it for 24 hours, despite only needing it for 10 minutes. Let’s not even talk about actually going and renting things from a store, do people still even do that? Whatever that costs in cash, it costs 20x as much in dignity.
So here I am with my $200 cable bill and an empty box of tissues. Get your mind out of the gutter, I cried at the end of “Lost.” I guess I’ll keep paying it, and I think I’ll hang on to the Playboy Channel, it seems to be the best deal going!
