Perhaps All Male Politicians Should Be Made Into Eunuchs
By Johnny Wright - National Correspondent
“It is the public scandal that offends; to sin in secret is no sin at all.” — Moliere
The Person in Power sex scandal is nothing new. From kings to princes to television evangelists, to Biblical characters to Popes, there have been thousands of leaders of men that just can’t seem to avoid the temptation of forbidden fruit. a little something on the side. Even revered Founding Fathers were having it away with their own slaves.
Allegedly, when Prince Charles was confronted by Princess Diana about his ongoing affair with Camilla Parker Bowles, Chuck indignantly responded, “I am not going to be the first Prince of Wales to not have a mistress.” Seems perfectly reasonable. Nice pick, by the way, Charles. She’s a stunner.
The political sex scandal is a classic. Without them, the late night comics may only have a monologue three nights a week. Scandals provide the best current events jokes. The current B.P. oil spill: not funny. Southern Baptist minister George Alan Rekers, who spent a solid portion of his time as an anti-gay crusader hiring a male prostitute for a ten day jaunt through Europe? That’s a fat guy riding a tricycle. “Man, my back has hurting, but I have this trip to Europe coming up. How am I going to lift my luggage? What to do? I really need a strapping young lad with six-pack abs and a hairless body to help with the bags. Let’s take a peek at the internet bookmarks … Here we go, rentboy.com. That should work out nicely. Praise the Lord.”
I believe I have a radical but simple solution. Once a male politician is elected to the federal level, we make him a eunuch. These gents are sworn in, then led to a waiting limousine, head for Bethesda Naval Hospital and … snip, snip.
Recently we had another hypocritical scumbag, Indiana Congressman Mark Souder, find himself in hot water. Mark was a leading an “abstinence only” promoter. Apparently he truly believed this philosophy, except when it came to himself. There is a now instantly infamous video of the married Souder piously lecturing about sexual responsibility with one of his staffers. The problem? The also married staffer on the video was having an anti-abstinence affair with Congressman Souder. Whoops.
Just for fun, let’s run through some of the more amusing sex scandal greatest hits the last couple decades. There was John “The When-It-Fits-I’m-A-Maverick McCain cheating on his invalid wife with a beer heiress. Bill Clinton receiving a “Lewinsky” in the Oval Office from that fat intern. I forget her name. The Kennedy’s nailing more tail than a taxidermist. Lyndon Johnson is alleged to have had several extramarital dalliances. One of which, Madeleine Duncan Brown, insists LBJ had Jack Kennedy killed. Goofball Representative Eric Massa handing out massages to male staffers like they were PEZ and giving us a whole new definition of “snorkeling.” Basically ruining the word forever. Who can forget Larry Craig’s men’s room wide-stance gay sex enticement in the Minneapolis airport. (Man did that wreck the wide stance in the stall. Before Craig it was just a sturdy position to poop. Who knew it was a nefarious sexual code.) Governor Mark Stanford was amazing when he disappeared, lied about his whereabouts (I’m hiking!) and used tax dollars to meet up with his mistress in Argentina. It was a “love story.” And finally the Babe Ruth of lying skunks, John Edwards. A bum whose lies piled up so quickly, so abundantly and so transparently that the anticipation of them blowing up in his well-coifed face was unbearable. “I have no idea what that picture is.” It’s you holding your love child schmuck-face. It was a political house of cards the size of the Chrysler Building collapsing without grace or sympathy.
(SIDENOTE: Here’s a discussion to have with your co-workers. Who was the bigger liar before getting caught? Richard Nixon or John Edwards? It’s Magic versus Bird. Discuss.)
All of those incidents, and many others that I am too tired to type, could have been avoided, legacies left untarnished. if there was a quick, painless castration before moving boxes into plush D.C. offices. No chance for sexual shenanigans. These men’s crotches would have looked like Ken dolls. Or Adam and Eve at the Creation Museum in Petersburg, Kentucky. No kidding, Adam and Eve have no genitals there. it makes “go forth and multiply” a real Rubik’s Cube. “Let’s see here Eve. I put what, where?” The “museum” wasn’t even clever enough to just hide Adam’s junk behind a lamb or something. That anatomical weirdness is easily overlooked since the institution has a dinosaur with a riding saddle strapped to his back and a pair of triceratops loading into Noah’s Ark. There are degrees of crazy. Some overshadow others.
Politicians can’t be trusted. History bears that out. But we have a revolutionary solution. Clip him. Then we have a squad of political eunuchs making the American people their number one priority once again.
Perhaps we need to recruit Bob Barker for this cause. Bring him on CNN at the end of election nights. “Thanks for voting, and don’t forget to spay and neuter your elected officials. Goodnight.”
