Eyes on the Road
By Thomas Gallant
For both of you wondering why it’s been so long since I’ve written (hint: it isn’t because I’ve been banging Adam’s neice girlfriend), it’s mostly due to the fact that I’ve spent little time at my computer in the past few weeks. It’s true, my computer has seen as much of me as Sarah Palin has seen of Russia from her backyard.
I could ramble on about the various weddings and other events I’ve been to in July, but who wants to read about that? What I’d like to do is share some of the things I’ve seen people do while driving. Things that don’t seem to cause the law-creating outrage that talking or texting do. I’m guilty of at least some of these myself:
Eating Fast Food
One could argue that the effort it takes to hold on to a Double Stack and shove it down your gullet in 3 bites hardly distracts from your driving, but what about chicken nuggets? How is the guy in the lane next to me that’s going in for a double dip of his sweet and sour sauce that is securely placed in the center console cup holder any less of a risk to public safety than the guy he’s passing that got pulled over for listening to a voicemail?
Putting On Makeup
Admit it ladies, you’re guilty. You’ve left late for work, maybe because that random guy from last night wanted one more go around and swore he’d call you, or maybe just because you overslept. Either way, you didn’t have time to “put your face on.” So now you’re driving 45mph in the left lane, have 50% of your field of vision blocked by a lowered sun visor and staring at a 4 square inch reflection of your eyebrows. I suppose there’s a chance you’ll be pulled over because you’re swerving.
Putting In Contacts
No joke. I’ve seen this done on Interstate 95 in The Bronx. Shall we start with the question of “why did you get in the fucking car and start without your contacts on?” After that, the same side effects of putting on makeup apply.
Masturbating
Well, this is probably illegal whether you’re driving or not.
Checking Your Navigation System
Sure, they all come with disclaimers that you had better not use them while driving but I’m sure people futz with them while doing 70mph. I especially like when people take theirs out of its cradle and hold it in their lap to type in a new destination while steering with their knees.
Choosing A New Playlist On Your iPod
Ok, I could have said “MP3” player but unless somebody in the comments section tells admits to me they have a Zune or a Zen or some Sony memory stick device still in operation, I’m sticking with iPod. What’s the scenario there if you get pulled over? “No officer, I wasn’t talking on my phone or texting, I was just trying to figure out if I was going to listen to N.W.A. or KRS One.” Ok, you’re free to go.
In all seriousness, talking on your phone and especially texting are dangerous and distracting habits. Don’t do it. But do we need a law and penalty for those two things more than any of the above? A friend of mine got a ticket just for holding his phone while driving, wasn’t even using it. What if it were a bologna sandwich? Let the debate begin in the comments section below.
TG
