Wagons Among Us
By Thomas Gallant
Let’s face it, the station wagon hasn’t been en vogue since Chevy Chase was funny. To the average American, the idea of having a station wagon ranks slightly above the idea of having a minivan or a Yugo. Practicality is tough to mask with style, and very few cars can pull it off. However, if you don’t have any concern for gas mileage, you can always get all that wagon you never wanted in a big ole SUV. I personally think that sport wagons, or “Avants” as Audi likes to dub them, that admit to being station wagons are pretty sweet. You get the sportiness and performance of their sedan counterparts with better weight balance and a roof low enough to actually put shit on, eliminating the need for ridiculous accessories.
With gas prices breaching $5 per gallon at the pump in the not so distant past, the big SUV has lost its luster and Americans have been grasping to find something that’s a station wagon, but isn’t. These next 5 station wagons live among us like the Autobots, hiding in plain sight.
Ford Freestyle
Holy shit, something squashed my Explorer! Settle down, this isn’t a stepped on explorer, it’s a Taurus wagon that got injected with SUVroids. I actually made that last statement up only to then realize the fucking thing is now being called the “Taurus X.” It appears I’m going to have to write another piece after this on ridiculous car names. In any event, the Freestyle lasted from 2005-2007 and pretended not to be a station wagon by drawing styling cues from SUVs in the Ford line. Guess what? It’s a fucking wagon. Call it a “crossover” all you like but Jonathan Edward will get Robert Reed to tell you he’d be happy to pack this thing full of Brady boys and head off to a needle sharing party (too soon?).
Subaru Forester
Let me first say that I have nothing against the versatility of this car. It’s practical, has all wheel drive, is making strides towards being stylish, has a boxer engine, and lesbians apparently LOVE it. It has a lot going for it, agreed. However, the fucking clowns at ALG rate it highly in their “compact utility” class. Shut the fuck up. It’s a station wagon. Who are these so called experts that invent car classes? If you go to the DMV to register a Forester, I doubt they have a check box for “compact utility.” That’s right ALG, I just said the people at the DMV are smarter than you.
Chrysler Pacifica
I don’t want to pick on Chrysler too much. These poor bastards are down to marketing 5 models, and the Pacifica isn’t one of them. But lets face it, calling this thing anything but a station wagon, or if you want, a minivan without sliding doors, is ridiculous. Again with this “crossover” language when describing the car class. What is crossed over? The guys in design got told that nobody wants anything called a minivan anymore so start designing some new station wagons and we’ll come up with some bullshit name for them. I don’t really know what this car was great for, do you?
Cadillac SRX
Apparently when the suits at Ford decided to cut the Freestyle from their lineup, they sold the design to the boys at GM. Seriously, could the rear side windows be any more identical? A Caddy used to mean that you’d arrived, that your status was unrivaled. I’m talking pre-Facebook “I just went to Wal-mart” status too. A name that has continued within the lexicon as the epitome of luxury, style, and grace. Cars that seemed to ride on air. I don’t know if the US Government made them do it, but Caddy made a fucking station wagon. I’m not sure where they went wrong. Oh, yes I am. That was the Catera. Best of luck, Caddy. We will miss the days of the tailfins, loose women, and lucky strikes.
Porsche Panamera
Seriously? The Cayenne wasn’t enough of a departure from the cars that made Porsche what it is? I understand why they made the Cayenne, it’s for guys that still want a Porsche but whose wives won’t let them drive a car that looks like they are still trying to get laid. That’s fine, but this? What the fuck is this? Pick one or the other boys. Here’s a tip, don’t go dipping in to the station wagon market if it says “Porsche” on your building. The Panamera is like Pamela Anderson doing Shakespeare: you’re still going to have a look, but you’re not sure anymore that you really want a ride because it doesn’t seem as fun as it used to.
In closing, I’m a fan of station wagons as long as we’re talking sport inspired ones. I think the Buick Roadmaster was probably a giant mistake and perhaps even designed by Homer Simpson so that the kids could be far enough away to not hear or even know they are alive. If you want to drive a wagon, go for it. If you do though, admit it’s a station wagon and stop calling it something else.
