The Desonesto Doctrine

Desonesto é feito

baierman — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 11:00:06 -0500

Desonesto Doctrine is officially closed.

We started this site with grand plans and a dozen willing writers. But, as most things go with blogs, people just got lost, busy, lazy and bored. Rather than keep the Desonesto limping along, Adam and I have decided to end things. Now.

This is our last post on The Desonesto Doctrine.

Thanks folks. We appreciate all your views, comments, likes, reblogs and linkage. Despite the consistent lack of updates over the past few months, we have had fun posting our thoughts and funny Internet findings for you.

Our ending shouldn’t stop you from going through the pages of this site to find the stuff that’s been posted over from May 2010 to December 2011. Adam and I will hopefully have a new project(s) or site(s) to work on soon. When we do, we’ll update this post. For now, you can follow us via:

The fabulous Breakfast Links and @Baierman on Twitter

Adam (aka Echowood) on Twitter or on 3 Chords & the Truth

Dishonesty will still be tolerated!

-baierman

The Top 10 Desonesto Posts EVER!

baierman — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 10:00:05 -0500

In a few short years, we’ve had our share of big misses and mundane posts. But there’s also been a few break out hits. Here they are then. Our Desonesto Top 10 Most Popular Posts…according to your clicks and Google Analytics.

1. In case of gas attack, remove bra
Next to cats doing cute things, nothing boosts traffic like boobs or boob-related topics.

2. Top 10 Worst Steven Spielberg films
This acclaimed, esteemed, award-winning director has done it all. Including make a few bombs. Adam decided listed them for posterity. The Internet agreed.

3. 8 Christmas foods that should be forgotten
Don’t make the mistake of serving them at your next holiday shindig.

4. Things I learned from Chuck Jones
Chuck Jones was the creator, director, writer and inspiration behing of so many cartoon classics. Here, Baierman reflected on what his work taught him.

5. There’s no such thing as too much of a good thing
1 guitar made of 8 guitars played by 8 guitarists. Yeah, you have to see how they play it.

6. Saved by the Bell tournament
Cleet kicked off March Madness 2011 with a unique tournament. And this one had more Cinderella stories and hot cheerleaders than anything the NCAA has to offer.
We all love Saved by the Bell. And many viewers checked in all month long to vote for their favorites and pick a champ.

7. SBTB Girls of Zack Morris Region
Zack Morris was one lucky leading man. And his long list of ladies just goes to show it. This post was a continuation of the Saved By The Bell tourney.

8. 38 things I learned driving cross country
America is beautiful. It’s also odd, funny and strange. These observations were made as Baierman drove from NYC to Seattle, WA during the summer of 2010.

9. Cest Lamour No
Teachers having sex with students. It’s happening more and more these days. But it was one particular case, Marcie L. Rousseau, that got Cleet thinking.

10. Perhaps all male politicians should be made into Eunuchs
The Person in Power sex scandal is nothing new. But maybe if our male leaders didn’t need to think with their dicks they might actually do more, better governing? Thanks, Johnny Wright.

By Adam Ferguson Love buffalo chicken and milkshakes? Try out...

echowood — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 11:29:20 -0500

By Adam Ferguson

Love buffalo chicken and milkshakes? Try out Robert Bishop’s 30 Rock-inspired creation and see an unholy alliance of ice cream and tomato sauce. Clearly Mr. Bishop does not read the bible as Jesus would definitely frown upon such a creation.

Are parking tickets cheaper than parking lots?

baierman — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 17:51:55 -0500

Parking in New York City is an expensive pain in the ass. I know, I’ve had a car here for the past 7 years.

Since most city residents don’t have driveways or home garages, keeping a car means you have 2 choices:
1. Park on the street.
2. Pay for a monthly space in a lot.
Ditching your car in the Hudson is only an option for Jimmy Hoffa types.

I know New Yorkers who put their cars in a lot or parking garage. Some of them pay a lot of $$$ for the privilege. Others, walk a half mile or more to a cheaper lot.

I know people – self-included - who make moving their car part of a twice weekly routine. Heading out at night to search for “free street parking” or driving around until a street has been cleaned and they pick any spot.

I also know a few people who park on the street and don’t move their cars. They take the ticket from the city and think of it as their monthly parking expense. In essence, the city streets are parking lot and these folk pay the city (in fines) for the privilege to park on the street.

Why?

As a neighbor who does this told me, parking tickets are cheaper than paying a parking lot.

Interesting.

Could paying a fine actually be cheaper than paying for a monthly parking space? Here’s what I found out.

Parking on NYC streets is free, assuming you move your car to abide by the alternate side parking rules. This “alternate side parking” is the city’s way of making sure the streets get cleaned and traffic cops can raise needed revenue.

In case you’re not familiar with alternate side of the street parking; it means one side of a street is off-limits to parking for 90 minutes on any given day. On my street, the rule is in effect Monday 11:30 – 1pm on the East side of the street and Tuesday 11:30-1pm on the West side of the street. A few blocks away from me the rule is Thursday/Friday. So, if I’m parked on the “Monday side” and I forget to move my car, I will get a ticket. If I remember to move my car to the correct side of the street, I should never have to pay a parking fine.

Hence, NYC Free parking!

The other option for New Yorkers is to pay a garage or parking lot. Most people who live in Manhattan are forced to park in a pay lot because street parking is tough. It’s just easier to avoid the hassle and pay for a space.

Now, if you didn’t want to pay for a lot, but you didn’t want to be bothered moving your car on the street, it is possible that a parking ticket can be cheaper than paying for monthly parking. Or so I found out.

(Note: This is just overview research. I didn’t call every parking lot and find the best, cheapest rate.)

I searched monthly fees for car parking in a few locations. A company called Icon Systems says they charge an introductory rate in Manhattan between $200 - $475 a month. The normal, non-introductory rate fluctuate from $250 - $700 a month, Or more.

Quik Park offers intro rates from $225 to $450 a month for Manhattan. The rate lowers from $150-200 in their 3 Brooklyn lots. The non-intro rates are another $50-$75 higher.

Since I live in Brooklyn, I looked up some local parking lot options. Prices range from $150 - $300+ depending on the area. The more populated the area the more expensive it is.

And, like anything, garage rates go up each year and involve tipping parking attendants. (No holiday bonus? Expect extra scratches on your door panel.)

Meanwhile, a parking ticket costs sixty-five bucks.

According to NYC Parking Violation code #68 - “Not parking as marked on a posted sign” – is a $65 fine.

So those who use the street as their garage would usually get a $65 ticket once a week.

Potentially, that’s $260 a month to park on the street in Brooklyn. In Manhattan, where most street parking requires you to move 2 days a week, that cost balloons to $520.

Still $260 or $520 in tickets is cheaper to what it would cost to park at a garage in Brooklyn. And it’s a competitive rate against Manhattan parking lots.

Now, when it comes to parking in NYC, price isn’t the only thing to consider.

Location: Most garages are under high-rise buildings or in less populated areas like on the outskirts of Manhattan like 11th or the West Side Highway. I know someone who lives on East 14th street who goes all the way over to West 30th street and 11th avenue to retrieve his car. A ½ hour walk just to get to your car. Zoom-Zoom!

In Brooklyn, where there’s more street parking, garages tend to be further apart. Parking on the street is much more convenient.

Garages/Lots: In populated areas like Manhattan’s Upper West or Upper East Side or Brooklyn’s Park Slope, garages have waiting lists. Just because you move into a building with a garage underneath or nearby, doesn’t mean there are spots available. Or that you can afford them.

Now street parking comes with potentially costly risks.

First, you have to pay your tickets. And you WILL get tickets if you don’t move your car. If you pay them online, the $65 ticket is actually $67 since they tack on a $2 processing fee.

Second, if NYPD realizes you’re not moving your car, they’ll put a large sticker on it telling neighbors that you’re an asshole. (Or that you have stopped the street from being cleaned.) This sticker is a pain to remove. Props to the glue maker for creating this particular sticker adhesive.

Third and worst of all, your car will get booted and towed. The fine for towing is costly. Trust me. You pay for the tow, the cost of the impound lot and the ticket. This could be more expensive than the most expensive monthly Manhattan lot.

Oh joy!

Okay, so in the end, choosing where and how you want to park in NYC depends on a few things. But, if you just look at the cost of a ticket versus the cost of a parking lot, my neighbor was right. Mostly.

Parking tickets are cheaper, or are at least comparable, to a monthly parking fee.

Choosing to pay the city rather than a garage is a personal choice. And not one I’d advise. But, you’re free to do it and, in some cases, save money.

No matter what you choose, may you always have good parking karma.

Your parallel parking champ,
-baierman

The Best Photographer on Instagram

echowood — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 12:53:58 -0500

By Adam Ferguson

The bulk of the photos on Instagram feature clouds and sunsets. I should know, I take most of them. And outside of the random dog pictures, or the barely-legal girls taking photos of themselves in the mirror while giving the duckface, it’s hard to find exceptional and consistently great photographers on Instagram. But there is one.

His name is ScienceHill_360 (or Brother Bill as we’ve always known him).

Incidentally, he happens to be the brother of our favorite former co-writer Miss Cellania and he is one talented instagramologist. He even took the time to teach Baierman and me some tricks about taking better photos and tricks for using the largest mobile social network. So, if you’re on Instagram and you want someone excellent to follow (outside of Baierman and myself) check out ScienceHill_360. Your rods and cones will thank you.

Bruce Wayne talks to Batman. Perhaps the greatest scene in TV...

baierman — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 10:10:00 -0500

Bruce Wayne talks to Batman. Perhaps the greatest scene in TV history. Adam West needs an Emmy for this performance.

Viva 60s Batman!

Rice Krispie Treat Art

baierman — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 09:00:05 -0500

They’re delicious, sweet, and filled with marshmallowy goodness.

They’re Kellogg’s Rice Krispie Treats. And, as it turns out, they’re easy to mold and sculpt.

Just see here.

Rice Krispie Henge.

Rice Krispie Treat Cat

Rice Krispie Thing! It’s clobbering time.

Rice Krispie Duck

Rice Krispie Michelin Man

Rice Krispie Shoe

Rice Krispie Sushi (Only kind of sushi I’ll eat.)

Rice Krispie Mouse

Rice Krispie Death Star

And one last Rice Krispie Henge.

Happy snacking folks. And if you’re really hungry, check out the World’s largest Rice Krispie Treat.

-baierman

Top Ten Rules for the Office Holiday Party

echowood — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 11:53:00 -0500

By Adam Ferguson

(I originally wrote this on YesButNoButYes, but I figured it was time to bring it back out.)

My intern keeps winking at me, rubbing her stomach and whispering “nine months” as she walks past. Lou, from accounting, dropped off a pamphlet on alcoholism on my desk, and there’s a pentagram burned into the carpet in my office. The day after an office holiday party is one full of regrets. Too much drink. Too much flirtation. Too much truth. The excesses are revealed the day after, and no matter how much you promise not to repeat the same mistakes next year, you always do. Always.

This year, I’ve written up a guide to keep you safe and prepared for next year. We’ll forgo the standard, don’t tell the boss to fuck off, don’t drink too much, advice. We’re going deeper this year.

10. Don’t offer to play piano with the office band if the extent of your musical learning is Michael Row the Boat Ashore.
Everyone wants to be a rock star, and the prospect of doing this while the ladies in Creative are watching is even more enticing. Having them stare as you practically impregnate your bass will leave them wide-eyed and horny. The truth is, you will look like an asshole. Even if you think you have the virility of Gene Simmons and the charisma of Mick Jagger, you don’t. No, seriously, you don’t. Your co-workers don’t want to suffer through while you bang out “Don’t Stop Believin’”. They’ll hate it almost as much as they hated having to donate to your kid’s Boy Scout Troop popcorn drive last year.

9. Don’t discuss business. You’re three glasses into some ‘nog and all of a sudden Sathish, the vaguely ethnic guy from Accounting, saddles up to the bar and asks you, intently, if increasing frequency caps through out Q1 will increase margin and delivery. Suddenly, you’ve gone from thinking about what color underwear the new CMO is wearing to being smacked in the face with algebra equations. So, if you feel like asking a co-worker about something even remotely business related that doesn’t have to do with “do you think the boss’s desk will hold both our weights?” just don’t bother. Walk away and grab a beer.

8. Don’t copy your ass.
This should be taken out of the holiday party umbrella and put into the all-around umbrella. Back in 1986, when copiers were new and that one guy decided it would be funny to have an 8 1/2 x 11 black and white of his ass, it was an original idea. Clever. Stupid. Funny. But we’re almost a quarter of a century away from that. Plus, the glass has been known to break. Trust me on this one.

7. Avoid telling the boss what you really think.
I’m not talking about telling your boss off. I’m talking about giving honest answers. When your boss walks up to you, most likely intoxicated, and wants to have a heart-to-heart about sales figures, don’t tell him numbers are down. Sidestep the issue. Make something up. They probably won’t remember in the morning. Telling them their company is in the shitter will not only make your night more horrible, but it’ll make the rest of the company’s’ as well. “Why is our boss crying in the corner?”

6. Try not to shit yourself.
Seriously, don’t do it.

5. Avoid flirting with incredibly hot and married co-workers.
He or she may be telling you how bad their marriage is. Hell, they may make mention that, had they met you first, they never would have gotten hitched. But don’t take this as an open door to Wonderland. This will, more than likely, result in you getting a black-eye and receiving late-night phone calls questioning why you’ve ruined the sanctity of marriage.

4. Karaoke: Songs to Avoid.
Here’s a list of people I wish were never born: 1. My ex-girlfriend. 2. The guy who invented the karaoke machine. 3. Hitler. Yeah, the guy who invented the karaoke machine is above Hitler on my list. While Hitler may have killed millions of people, the karaoke man has ruined billions of lives forever. Why these things have become a staple of holiday parties is beyond me. But lets face facts, these machines of ass-rape aren’t going away. And because we have to live with them, here are songs to avoid:
“Heartbreaker” by Pat Benatar - You won’t have the range or the passion to pull it off well.
“Love Shack” by The B-52s - If you want to deafen your entire workforce, sing this song. I’m sure it’s healthy to bleed from the ears.
Anything by Styx - Because it’s Styx.
“I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor - Because at some point, we need to be a bit more original.
“Killing Me Softly” by Roberta Flack - This song is longer than you remember.
Next time you’re forced to choose a song, get interesting. Mix it up. Sing a song by Cake or The Killers.

3. Please, dear God, no Christmas Sweaters.
ONLY! Listen to me, ONLY wear a sweater if you’ve been invited to an irreverent office party that’s encouraging people to show up wearing ugly Christmas/Cosby sweaters. If you want to break from the mold and show up wearing balls of gold hanging off your chest while the rest of your co-workers are in casual attire, don’t blame me when the whispers and snarky comments start. This will end with you cursing the good Dr. Cosby’s name while shunning the very co-workers who weren’t dumb enough to leave the herd and attempt fashion experiments.

2. Don’t rant about it being called a “holiday” party.
Here’s something, Jesus was probably born in June. So what we’re really celebrating is a pagan holiday. And while the point of an office holiday party is to get drunk, it’s not to have someone brow-beat you with the “reason for the season.” Great, celebrate the birth of Jesus or the Festival of Lights, but don’t get up in my face because I don’t wish you a merry Christmas. I’m an equal opportunity celebrator, and when it comes to my office party Jesus isn’t signing my paycheck. So if my boss says, “We’re calling it a Go Fuck Yourself Party” then I’ll be the one painting the sign.

1. Know where all the mistletoe are hidden around the joint.
Susan may weigh as much as your sedan and have the comedic timing of a fart at a funeral, but that doesn’t mean you want to lock lips with her. (Unless you’re into that, which is cool.) But you don’t want to get sprung with the “You know what you’re standing under, don’t you?” Suddenly, the 62 year-old woman who always complains about you leaving your dirty forks in the sink is tongue deep on your molars. As a rule of thumb, take a walk around the party looking at the ceiling. Memorize where all the mistletoe are, and try to avoid walking under them. Of course, this helps if you’re trying to test the waters with your hot Scandinavian assistant who, you’re almost positive, does not yet fully understand United States sexual harassment laws.

America the Ignorant

echowood — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 10:58:05 -0500

By Adam Ferguson

Ah ignorance! Is there anything better than your whitewashing of history? Your infusion of misguided beliefs? Your self-centered head-buried in the sand ideals? Let’s face it, there’s a large part of this country that has absolutely no clue what they’re talking about. Take, for example, the recent Lowe’s controversy in which they removed their ads from All-American Muslim, a show depicting five muslim families living in Dearborn, Michigan. They pulled it because a conservative group in Florida (or, “not those people again”) called the Florida Family Association decided it was un-American to broadcast a show that depicted religion as anything other than Christian and they started a letter writing campaign. So forget the fact that this country has something called freedom of religion, and that one of the men on the show is a police officer protecting the Jesus-loving asses of his town. No, you see, the FFA wants America to fit into their ideals and their beliefs and if the comments section of the Lowe’s Facebook page is any indication, there’s a large number of Americans who are just as ignorant. This is absolutely in no way different than the Westboro Baptist Church protesting at the funerals of dead homosexuals.

Unfortunately, all of this is just another in a horribly long line of American ignorance that fails to see what our country was truly built on, and instead finds splintered “religious” groups pushing their own agenda by misinterpreting true American ideals. Need more proof? Keep reading.

Snap. Crackle. Pop. Don't poop

baierman — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 22:03:33 -0500

Your childhood. Ruined.

It’s Rice Krispies Centipede

via

Brand Memory

echowood — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 11:06:41 -0500

By Adam Ferguson

Because the main (and really, only) writers on this site also happen to work in the advertising industry, we’re always looking for ways to make our jobs more interesting. And since Don Draper made drilling your secretary passe in the late 60’s, it’s been an uphill climb every since. Luckily, Brand Memory attempts (and succeeds) to make advertising and marketing fun. Think you know what brand’s logo is being shown quicker than your friends? Try out this game and put your logo recall to the test.

(Via AdWeek)

theclearlydope: I’m sad we never got that Don Knotts and Eazy E...

baierman — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 13:16:50 -0500

theclearlydope:

I’m sad we never got that Don Knotts and Eazy E buddy cop film.
vh1:

danmeth:

If I ran Hollywood…
From the people who brought you this.

We’re on board.

Now this version looks more interesting.

Photo

echowood — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 12:58:46 -0500

By Adam Ferguson “That ‘While My Guitar Gently...

echowood — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 11:11:46 -0500

By Adam Ferguson

“That ‘While My Guitar Gently Weeps’ is pure shit.”

brosephbronson: He’s a Jar Jar fan. Rick Perry just might be...

baierman — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 10:40:05 -0500

brosephbronson:

He’s a Jar Jar fan.

Rick Perry just might be the last, best meme of 2011.

Explaining Banking To A Child

baierman — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 23:09:02 -0500

Thanks Big Red Kev

By Adam Ferguson Sometimes perfection is visual.

echowood — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 16:07:29 -0500

By Adam Ferguson

Sometimes perfection is visual.

By Adam Ferguson Stieg Larsson’s The Girl with the Dragon...

echowood — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 12:11:35 -0500

By Adam Ferguson

Stieg Larsson’s The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo went through my family quicker than Swine Flu. Perhaps it was because it was well written, or that my family is part Swedish and all the pain and misery made us long for our cold homeland. We liked it so much that we bought the Swedish versions of the trilogy and talked about how disappointed we were they were making an American version. That is, until we heard David Fincher was at the helm of (at least) the first one.

In preparation for the upcoming American version, the production company has put together an amazing “Hard Copy” video aimed to look like a mid-80’s VCR recording. It’ll get you up to speed quickly on the story, and will leave die-hard Lisbeth Salander fans drooling for more. Also check out the expertly edited 8-minute long trailer to get a sense of the film.

By Adam Ferguson We all like looking at cheerleaders, but rarely...

echowood — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 11:23:00 -0500

By Adam Ferguson

We all like looking at cheerleaders, but rarely do we get to see what they see during a game. An LSU cheerleader strapped a GoPro to her head during a recent game and shot some impressive video of what her routine looks like during a game.

The video fails to show all the drunk guys in the stands asking her to take her top off, or telling her to get off the field so they can get a better view of the game.

(Via Neatorama)

By Adam Ferguson There’s no such thing as too much of a...

echowood — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 17:51:42 -0500

By Adam Ferguson

There’s no such thing as too much of a good thing, just ask the folks at DGN Custom Guitars. They built a fully-playable 8 neck guitar designed by Gerard Huerta called the “Rock Ock.” Now, there’s no need to build something like this let alone make it playable, but the fact that they did and it is makes this simply fucking awesome.