Masturbatory Economics
By Thomas Gallant
I was having a discussion recently about how astronomical cable bills have gotten. I think my current bill for Cablevision is something on the order of $200 per month cash, 10% equity stake in my home bundled with call options on my first born child and my left testicle. (Joke’s on them, I only have a right testicle.) Every month it seems like I’m looking over the bill and trying to figure out where I can cut costs. Maybe I’ll get rid of this house phone line I never use? Sure, sounds like a bright idea until you realize that if you get rid of the $20 phone bill, the rest of the bill actually goes up by $30 if you don’t have the “Triple Play.” Ok, we’ll keep the phone. Internet, $50. This is like cigarette pricing, it could be $200/month and we’d all still be paying it. Ok, keeping the internet.
How about actual TV? I don’t need all of these fucking channels. I don’t watch the 7th derivative of TLC or MTV12 (or is that the one that still plays videos?). I get HBO, but I don’t need all 10 of those either. Can I have just the regular HBO please, the one with Entourage? Nope, take 10 HBO channels and shove them down your throat. Ok, fine, let me get rid of all the HBO, what’s that save me? $3/month. Fuck. Ok, I’ll keep it.
