By Adam Ferguson
This is the exact moment I thought, “Wow, Johnny broke out a legitimate knife in a New York City park. We’re about to get arrested.”
By Adam Ferguson
In a time before iPads and Snookis… in a world before planet-wide knowledge of vuvuzelas and Eyjafjallajökull, Johnny and Adam set out into the wilds of New York City to film short (and not so short) webisodes called “3 Chords & the Truth.” Often they’d just set up a camera and begin speaking, whether it was beneath the greenery in Central Park or from an empty conference room at Comedy Central. They weren’t rehearsed. They weren’t planned. But they were fun to create. We’ve collected some of the better moments for your viewing pleasure in the video above.
For more, check out the old episodes on YesButNoButYes.
Arizona Governor Caught In Nazi Flap/Lie
By Johnny Wright - National Correspondent
Polarizing Arizona Governor Jan “Let Me Zee Your Papers” Brewer has found herself on the wrong side of the news again.
After receiving more attention than any other Governor that didn’t quit her job and cash in on the lecture circuit wearing a giant bedazzled American Flag pin, you would think Brewer would understand her words are being dissected by journalists across the land.
Governor Brewer, whose immigration law has drawn countless Nazi comparisons, said the other day,
“Knowing that my father died fighting the Nazi regime in Germany, that I lost him when I was 11 because of that … and then to have them call me Hitler’s daughter. It hurts. It’s ugliness beyond anything I’ve ever experienced.”
Of course, people would not mock someone’s loss at the hands of the SS. One problem. It’s absolute bollocks.
Brewer’s father died in 1955. Of lung cancer. In California. During the WWII, her father Wilford Drinkwine (great name) worked as a civilian for a naval munitions depot Stateside. Oops.
Brewer spokesman Paul Senseman easily explained the error. He said the Governor ”wasn’t embellishing the story at all,” saying that Brewer’s father ultimately passed away after inhaling toxic fumes while working at an ammunition factory during World War II. “You’re reading something into this that isn’t there.”
It’s just semantics. Germany, America. Killed by Nazis, lung cancer. Fighting in World War II, working at a factory in California. 1942-1945, 1955. I see what Paul is saying. We’re absolutely reading too much into the Governor’s comments. She was in the ballpark.
George W. Bush’s Facebook Page
By Johnny Wright - National Correspondent
For a former president that didn’t have a computer in the Oval Office, this is actually a technological achievement.
George W. Bush started his own Facebook page. Or at least someone on his staff did. I say that because Dubya’s first entry was:
Since leaving office, President Bush has remained active. He has visited 20 states and 8 countries; given over 65 speeches; launched the George W. Bush Presidential Center; participated in 4 policy conferences through The Bush Institute; finished the first draft of his memoir, “Decision Points”; and partnered with President Clinton to establish the Clinton Bush Haiti Fund. More on his activities in future posts…
Not exactly a personal note. Unless the former president has decided to speak like Karl Malone or Ricky Henderson. “George W. is going to do what George W. has to do.”
But here is where the funny is. Look at the picture/screengrab at the head of this post. Notice the last comment (before it’s taken down.) This may not be the best idea.
Handicapping BP’s Logo Rebranding
By Johnny Wright
Occasionally I am betting man. I like to place the occasional prop bet. Like who will be the first pigeon to fly away from Bethesda Fountain. “Two bucks on the little fella.”
As I was trying to get the impression of volunteers wringing the crude oil out of the feathers of water fowl into a bucket out of my head, I had a betting idea.
When will British Petroleum change it’s logo in an effort to improve it’s nightmarish public opinion? It has to happen.
It’s what’s called rebranding. Fried food has a negative connotation, so Kentucky Fried Chicken broke from tradition and magically became KFC. It is now healthy. Recognizing that the mention of the SciFi Channel brought jokes about Ed Wood-like D-list movies about 25 foot piranhas eating bikini-clad co-eds, they felt they needed a change. Thus came a letter shuffle and they are now the SyFy Channel. (This one was actually quite stupid.) It’s still the same garbage with unintentionally funny content, but now with more bullcrap ghost shows. “We’re getting an electrical reading over here by the kitchen appliances!” No kidding Dr. Venkman. Grab your Proton Pack and Rick Moranis.
That being said, when this oil spill crisis has become more manageable and people are driving by BP stations by the thousands, a change will need to be made. The logo will become red, white and blue, probably incorporating the Union Jack. And there might even be a name change. “English Petrol: We care about people and pelicans.”
I have the line of rebranding at November 7th. I have the under.
Perhaps All Male Politicians Should Be Made Into Eunuchs
By Johnny Wright - National Correspondent
“It is the public scandal that offends; to sin in secret is no sin at all.” — Moliere
The Person in Power sex scandal is nothing new. From kings to princes to television evangelists, to Biblical characters to Popes, there have been thousands of leaders of men that just can’t seem to avoid the temptation of forbidden fruit. a little something on the side. Even revered Founding Fathers were having it away with their own slaves.
Allegedly, when Prince Charles was confronted by Princess Diana about his ongoing affair with Camilla Parker Bowles, Chuck indignantly responded, “I am not going to be the first Prince of Wales to not have a mistress.” Seems perfectly reasonable. Nice pick, by the way, Charles. She’s a stunner.
The political sex scandal is a classic. Without them, the late night comics may only have a monologue three nights a week. Scandals provide the best current events jokes. The current B.P. oil spill: not funny. Southern Baptist minister George Alan Rekers, who spent a solid portion of his time as an anti-gay crusader hiring a male prostitute for a ten day jaunt through Europe? That’s a fat guy riding a tricycle. “Man, my back has hurting, but I have this trip to Europe coming up. How am I going to lift my luggage? What to do? I really need a strapping young lad with six-pack abs and a hairless body to help with the bags. Let’s take a peek at the internet bookmarks … Here we go, rentboy.com. That should work out nicely. Praise the Lord.”
I believe I have a radical but simple solution. Once a male politician is elected to the federal level, we make him a eunuch. These gents are sworn in, then led to a waiting limousine, head for Bethesda Naval Hospital and … snip, snip.
Adults Pretending To Play Flying Harry Potter Game
By Johnny Wright - Weird Games Correspondent
This past weekend in Central Park, passersby witnessed what they thought must have been a gathering of Arkham Asylum escapees. Adults, pretending to fly with broomsticks in between their legs, playing a ground-bound version of the Harry Potter game Quidditch.
According to the Associated Press, more than 100 high schools and over 150 colleges have organized clubs that have begun playing the imaginary game. What happened to Ultimate Frisbee? How about a nice game of Ultimate Frisbee?
In the “Muggle” version of Quidditch, the equipment differs a bit. The “quaffle,” which is what you score with, is a volleyball, the “bludger” which is thrown at players by defenseman called “beaters” are dodgeballs and the “golden snitch,” the quick-flying winged sphere that when caught ends the match is — wait for it — a tennis ball in a sock. Seems perfectly logical.
Bear in mind that during the entire match, the group — many of which can legally vote in a presidential election — must run around with broomstick between their legs. Like a three-year-old pretending to ride a horsie that has a plush head and a broomstick for a body.
Again, these are adults. Muggles: what weirdos…
To Fix the B.P. Oil Spill: Dolphins
By Johnny Wright
The oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico is an environmental tragedy. It’s a dark and horrible event. But I believe I have come up with a brilliant solution to fix this debacle.
An oil spill is one of the ugliest things that can happen to the ocean. Therefore, we combat the problem with the most beautiful aspect of the oceans: dolphins.
After all the other solutions haven’t come close to stopping the leak — not even the “top hat,” That looked foolproof. Like putting a fancy bowler hat on a bald guy. Boom, classy new dude — we need to think outside the maritime box.
So, we use our Dolphin Translators (we have those, right?) and convince a few Bruce Willis-like dolphins they need to sacrifice themselves for the greater good. Then we begin to stuff the oil-leaking hole full of adorable dolphins. That leak disappears like integrity in Congress.
Think of this as the opposite as the Sword in the Stone legend. Excalibur could only be removed from that anvil by the “one true king.” This crisis can only be stopped by the “one true solution.” Dolphins.
You’re welcome British Petroleum. Now get to work.
Tea Party Candidate Claims To Have Found The Ark of the Covenant. In Arizona
By Johnny Wright
Wow, after the Rand Paul debacle last week the Tea Party has really been picking some winners. In North Carolina, Tea Party Congressional candidate Tim D’Annunzio seems to have taken religious zealot one or nine steps too far.
Not only has D’Annunzio claimed to be “the Messiah,” “uses pot daily and has been in rehab for heroin,” says he traveled to New Jersey to “raise his step-father from the dead,” (I wonder if Gramps name was Lazarus?), believes the Goverment — for which he wants to work for — is “the Anti-Christ,” and believes that God is going to drop from the sky “a 1,000 mile high pyramid on Greenland” making it the “New Jerusalem.”
If that was crazy-go-nuts enough, here’s the kicker. D’Annunzio says he discovered The Ark of the Covenant in Arizona! Tim has not yet revealed where the Ark is stashed or if anyone on the expedition’s face melted off when they opened the Old Testament relic. He’s like a kooky Indiana Jones running for Congress. I wonder if he has a bull whip under his suit?
Holy Balls…
Tea Party, before jumping on board to promote a candidate, you may want to run a LexisNexis search and a quick background check to make sure he’s not a raving lunatic.
Oh yeah, as of right now, D’Annunzio is leading in the polls. Pretty sure that is going to change by the end of the week.
Britney Spears Wants To Be Cryogenically Frozen
By, Johnny Wright
It has been reported that former pop star dingbat Britney Spears has decided she will cryogenically frozen upon her death.
Brit has become fascinated with the procedure after hearing the apocryphal tale of Walt Disney being frozen and stored under Sleeping Beauty Castle at Disneyland. That story isn’t even close to being true.
Nevertheless, Spears says she is ready to be preserved for future generations can almost-enjoy her mediocrity.
What is amazing about the cryogenics scam artists is they freely admit they don’t have any idea how to reanimate the dead after they are frozen. On their website, it says clearly “Cryonics is the science of using ultra-cold temperature to preserve human life with the intent of restoring good health when technology becomes available to do so.” (Italics added.) They charge about $350,000 for a technology that doesn’t exist. The only “person” we know that can reanimate a frozen person is Jabba the Hutt. It’s the biggest swindle since the 1919 Black Sox threw the World Series.
Speaking of baseball, the great Ted Williams is frozen at the Arizona facility. A former executive of the company wrote a book called “Frozen” that claims employees took Teddy’s head out of storage and hit it with a bat.
But maybe with Britney that wouldn’t be that big of deal.
