By Thomas Gallant
For both of you wondering why it’s been so long since I’ve written (hint: it isn’t because I’ve been banging Adam’s neice girlfriend), it’s mostly due to the fact that I’ve spent little time at my computer in the past few weeks. It’s true, my computer has seen as much of me as Sarah Palin has seen of Russia from her backyard.
I could ramble on about the various weddings and other events I’ve been to in July, but who wants to read about that? What I’d like to do is share some of the things I’ve seen people do while driving. Things that don’t seem to cause the law-creating outrage that talking or texting do. I’m guilty of at least some of these myself:
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A man from Kenya has been sentenced to 14 years in prison for having his way with a donkey. He of course blames his wife leaving him as the reason he had to stick his stick in a jackass. Now I’m sorry, and I don’t mean to judge, but he would have fucked a donkey eventually. You don’t just decide one day when you have a hard on that an animal will be a good way to get off, that’s something you think about. A lot. This poor schmuck got caught and tried using the Devil as an excuse and then his wife. Well, because I care, I am here to help you avoid the same fate. I have painstakingly researched alternatives for you men out there. I say only men, because if a woman gets screwed by a donkey it is somehow a turn on (there is plenty of porn to prove it!) and she can always claim the animal came on to her first! Here are a few items that might be of use when you’re in need and the farm is just too far away.
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by Ana Nimus
I try not to think about death that often, well at least not my own. However when I do consider my own death I sort of hope it will be quick and painless, like a gun shot to the head, or an 18-wheeler to the body. Definitely not drowning, not jumping and not pills, way too much time for regrets. One method I have never considered until now however is diddling myself to death! Who knew? Apparently a 30 year old English gal was found dead in her apartment with her pants around her ankles and a porn flick running on her laptop. The coroners are saying her death was more than likely caused by an arrhythmia brought on during a heightened state of arousal. Did you catch that? She was fucking hot for John Holmes and it killed her! This is not like the David Carradine story where he accidentally hanged himself while jerking off with a noose around his neck (don’t quite get that, but I don’t judge.) This unfortunate young lady was just looking for a little release after a hard day’s work and she ended up dying. That really sucks. It also really sucks to think that every time I touch myself now and make it out alive I will have cheated death! You know what I say? Fuck the Grim Reaper! Especially if it lets me get off more often;)
By Thomas Gallant
I was having a discussion recently about how astronomical cable bills have gotten. I think my current bill for Cablevision is something on the order of $200 per month cash, 10% equity stake in my home bundled with call options on my first born child and my left testicle. (Joke’s on them, I only have a right testicle.) Every month it seems like I’m looking over the bill and trying to figure out where I can cut costs. Maybe I’ll get rid of this house phone line I never use? Sure, sounds like a bright idea until you realize that if you get rid of the $20 phone bill, the rest of the bill actually goes up by $30 if you don’t have the “Triple Play.” Ok, we’ll keep the phone. Internet, $50. This is like cigarette pricing, it could be $200/month and we’d all still be paying it. Ok, keeping the internet.
How about actual TV? I don’t need all of these fucking channels. I don’t watch the 7th derivative of TLC or MTV12 (or is that the one that still plays videos?). I get HBO, but I don’t need all 10 of those either. Can I have just the regular HBO please, the one with Entourage? Nope, take 10 HBO channels and shove them down your throat. Ok, fine, let me get rid of all the HBO, what’s that save me? $3/month. Fuck. Ok, I’ll keep it.
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