By Adam Ferguson
My buddy Ben Schwartz started a site where he’d list all the jokes he got rejected from the Late Show monologue and Weekend Update. It’s a great site, especially as Ben has “gone Hollywood” by playing Jean-Ralphio in Parks & Rec.
As someone who gets rejected a lot, by women, my parents, the community college I attended, my transplanted liver, and Costco, I thought it would do me good to list the various Tweets I’d self-censored and rejected from my Twitter feed. (In other words, I asked my girlfriend if I should post these on the feed and she said no.) So here are a few that I’ve removed over the years. I intend on adding more in the coming weeks (and recommend you add your own in the comments section). Without further ado…
- I like babies but I love abortions.
- Anyone else get uncomfortable when they use the term “outrigger” around African-Americans?
- How I’d like to die: In an avalanche while rescuing orphans from a burning helicopter. How I’ll probably die: Excessive masturbation.
By Adam Ferguson
It’s that time of year again, when the winds blow a bit cooler, the sun hangs lower in the sky, and the pedophiles congregate around elementary schools. It’s also the time of year where we remind you to follow us (and our authors) on Twitter.
Baierman - @Baierman or @Breakfastlinks (Sample tweet, “Important message for all incoming college freshman in NYC: Walk faster!”)
Adam - @echowood (Sample tweet, “I like babies, but I love abortions.”)
Thomas - @smug_cynic (Sample tweet, “Man eating a Popsicle: acceptable. Man doing same with eyes closed? Hide the kids.”)
Cleet - @cleetsauce (Sample tweet, “It’s great to have CFB back to lower the din of the self-righteous attacks on the “system.”)
Like the Desonesto Doctrine, but love social media? (Or vice versa) Make sure you “like” us on Facebook here. Also, follow us on Twitter for all things Desonesto … except Johnny’s sock puppet routine. That one is just for us.
By Adam Ferguson
Did you know you can follow the Desonesto Doctrine on Twitter? It’s almost like the real thing, only less verbose and not as bloggy. Also, it doesn’t smell the same. You know, like when you sit in a Mercedes and it’s filled with that Mercedes smell, but then you hop in your aunt’s Toyota Avalon and, despite her telling you it’s a luxury automobile, it still smells like someone rubbed model glue and lavender on the seats? It’s just like that.
What was I saying about us being verbose?
Anyway, follow the Doctrine here: @desonesto
And if that’s not enough, you can check out some of the contributors to the Doctrine as well.
Follow Cleet here: @Ampsportsduo
Follow Baierman here: @baierman or @breakfastlinks
Follow APierno here: @apierno
Follow Thomas Gallant here: @smug_cynic
Follow Adam Ferguson here: @echowood
Follow Ernest White II here: @flybrother
And follow your mom here: @sluttyfruitcake
By Cleet
If there is one thing I do know about the internet, it is that our vast evolving technology has become a magnifying glass of how ignorant and vile humans can be. Whether it is politics, sports or any other walk of life that brings people together, there is something about making statements from the anonymity of a computer screen or hand held device that gives people the gumption to belch forth the bile that inhabits their brain. Things that uninformed troglodytes would keep to their mouth-breathing faces if forced to convey them out loud in a crowd or face to face with the person(s) they are said with such vigor and vitriol it casts a dark shadow on what drives people to act the way they do.
That might be too heavy a paragraph to launch tangentially into sports but this story meets at an intersection between the two. As Adam has stated before, he and I are proud alums of the University of Miami. Eleven days ago our beloved Hurricanes traveled to Columbus to take on Ohio State. The result was less than favorable for our 12th ranked Canes against the 2nd ranked Buckeyes. In what is the more painful variety of losses in football or any sport for that matter, Miami killed themselves with mistakes. They racked up 4 interceptions on the day in what was one of the worst performances by Miami junior quarterback Jacory Harris. It was a painful loss for the players, coaches, and fans. I could go into the history between the two teams and what the game meant in the scope of college football, but that is not what this story is about.
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By Johnny Wright
While flying over Anchorage on his way to Asia, the Cally-forney-a governor poked a little fun at Sarah Palin. He cheekily Tweeted: “Over Anchorage, AK. Looking everywhere but can’t see Russia from here. Will keep you updated as search continues.”
Oh snap! Sarah, you just got served!
Not to be outdone, or show she has a sense of humor, the half-governor hit back. Remember, 33% of her life is Twitter and Facebook. The remaining 2/3 being fleecing sheep as she market tests future stump speeches. Sarah pithily (I use that word loosely and sarcastically) Tweeted, “Arnold should have landed; I could have explained our multi-million dollar state surplus & US energy efforts. What’s he been up to?”
Ahh, the high road…
Never mind she hasn’t worked for the state in quite some time. Arnie, in your face! Is your nose bleeding! You got smacked!
Is this what we have sunk to? Public figures bickering on Twitter like the twits on The Hills or the embarrassing Lohan Clan?
I have a source that says the Governator’s next move is to set up a fake Facebook account using an Abercrombie & Fitch model as the profile pic. Then start sending Palin fake love notes, making her think she has a new model boyfriend. Then pull the rug out, reveal the rouse, thus giving Palin an eating disorder.
Love The ‘Doctrine, but can’t access it at every single conceivable moment of your day? We have some solutions for you!
Because, really, you’re only using Facebook to see how fat your high-school girlfriend has become.
By Johnny Wright - National Correspondent
Oh boy. Above you’ll see another attempt by Sarah Palin to make a deep thought. It’s bad enough that she writes like a 14-year-old, using “2” instead of “to” — that’s a one letter difference! You’re not saving any time! Write like an adult! — but again wildly missing a correct word is getting ridiculous.
Remember, Miss Mama Grizzly used the non-word “refudiate” just a couple weeks ago. Then said she was like Shakespeare, expanding the English language.
The bit in question is “a cackle of rads.” Let’s assume that “rad” is short for radicals. I think. She could mean really tubular BMX riders. Those kids are rad. But “cackle?” I don’t know what is going on there. Translated literally, the phrase is “a shrill cry of bitchin’ skateboarders…”
Could she be trying to use the word “gaggle?” Maybe. But we’ve learned not to give the half-governor that has made it an art to be “just like you” the benefit of the doubt. Sadly, she is just dumb. Stick-a-fork-in-a-light-socket stupid.
It’s becoming to pathetic too even cackle about.
