The Desonesto Doctrine

Zack Morris is Your SBTB Tournament Champion

Well people you didn’t let me down.  Zack Morris cements his legendary status as he beats out his sweetheart Kelly in the finals.  When we started this charade over a month ago (see the entire tourney from finish to start here) and I think deep down all the SBTBites out there knew that there would be no SBTB, no lasting memories without Zack.  He is synonymous with the show and it should always begin and end with him.  I actually felt bad for the kid they brought in for The New Class to be the new Zack.  He had no chance.  It was like giving a guy a toothpick and telling him to stop an asteroid from impacting and destroying Earth. 

Whether it was breaking the fourth wall to share something with us, calling timeout (even though I don’t understand why he didn’t use this function more often), or working his way through a scheme Zack was the ideal archetype for what guys wanted to be in high school.  We could never be Zack in our world, but we could watch him be him in the SBTB world. 

Most important of all he was fallible.  Remember the U2 mall episode?  Zack tries to scrape and scheme his way to tickets, then they fall into the cash, then he tries to conduct a huge scalping scam with the cash, then they are on the run.  Not one of his plans work out but the guy never stopped trying or thinking on his feet.  The others would get upset with him when things fell through yet they always went along with Zack.  They’d follow him straight into hell if he could convince them there was something to gain on the back end.  Zack represents the quintessential icon of the 90s.  Things were good, and there was hope for a brighter tomorrow(remember in the SBTB universe world peace broke out all over), there was the wearing of even brighter neon shirts, and guys like Zack were trusted with the keys of promise. 

Zack doesn’t deserve to be worshipped because he was perfect or even the best at what he did, but rather because he did it with the zeal of a man who feared no consequences.  FDR’s old voice telling us that fear is the only enemy to truly be afraid of is a mantra that Zack seemed to take to heart.  He had that arrogance that he was the man of the hour and it was going to be about him.  It often led to his plans backfiring but it is what also made him so successful.

I don’t want to speculate as to what happened to Zack after he and Kelly got married.  That event essentially ended the SBTB universe as we knew it and only an appearance on Jimmy Fallon (by the way it was criminal how the crowd wasn’t more into that bit, maybe they were stunned) gave us any insight.  It all blurred when he went off to college at Cal U.  The first episode of TCY was great, it showed how Zack would have to adjust his personality to adult life.  However everything devolved into Zack trying to win Kelly away from his anthropology professor.

It rarely ends the way you want it to, but I do know when I wake up each morning and turn on TBS, Zack is there.  The way I want to remember him, the way you remember him, in the way that had him voted champion of first (and last) SBTB Tournament in internet history.  Thanks to everyone that participated and everyone who was patient with the process.  Now I can fortunately get back to writing the other crap I am known for.

Before we sign off though, I want to give a quick plug to our winner.  You can follow Mark-Paul on twitter here.   He also has a new show on TNT called Franklin and Bash that starts June 1st at 9 pm.

SBTB Tournament: The Final Four

Weeks of SBTB Tournament action (review it all here) has finally led to this: The Final Four.

Zack Morris, James the Actor, Mr. Belding, and Kelly Kapowski.  Each tread their way through tough competion in their respective regions to earn their way here.  Now over the course of this week they will battle until we have one iconic SBTB character left standing.  Voting for the semifinals runs through Wednesday and then the final will be voted on through Friday.  So vote and tell your fellow SBTBites to chime in their opinion.

In one semifinal Zack Morris takes on James the Actor.  These two worked together in harmony on seperate occasions, but now they are at odds.  It may be considered a VCU-sized long shot to hope James can take down someone with the SBTB tradition of a powerhouse like Zack Morris but you never know.

In the other semifinal Mr. Belding takes on Kelly.  Kelly seems to be unstoppable right now.  In the Regional Final match-up that was highly anticipated, Kelly crushed Stacey Carosi.  If Stacey can’t take her down, it is going to be hard for Mr. Belding to take down the queen.

SBTB Tournament: Girls of Zack Morris Region Sweet 16

We are down to the big match-ups now.  No more playing around.  We are down to four girls that have shared the company of Zack Morris.  Get out and vote and spread the word.

2nd Round Girls of Zack Morris Region results can be viewed here.

Lisa and Kelly.  Kelly has to have the edge here.  Despite Lisa being a fixture on SBTB since the middle school days, Kelly has always been viewed as thegirl of the show.  Yet that is why they play the games as they say.  For the most part the two never clashed during the show, except I can recall a few instances.  One being the time Zack made a Girls of Bayside Calendar using the girls as models unbeknownst to them.  When fashion photographer Adam Trask decided he wanted to use the girls as models for Teen Fashion Magazine, he was directed to Kelly, Lisa, and Jessie.  One of the girls was going to be chosen for a special modeling issue.  The choice of course was Kelly.  When the announcement was made Lisa piped up “With those hips?!”.  An argument ensued but was quickly quelled.  The other time was the episode of the Miss Bayside pageant.  Kelly had said she was not entering, but then entered only after Jessie did following Screech’s entry.  Lisa had some biting words for Kel, calling her “Kelly come-lately” and informing her “this is one pageant you are not going to win.”

Furthermore, it was only after Kelly was out of the picture during the Tori paradox that Lisa and Zack made the moves on each other.  There may be some deep-seeded resentment.  So your choice America, it’s not as easy as chocolate or vanilla.  Kelly or Lisa?

In our other match-up, Stacey Carosi takes on Danielle the USC girl.  Stacey had a whole summer of wooing Zack and while the break-up was heart-wrenching, he seemed to move on once he got back to Bayside.  Danielle’s strengths are that she is smoking, and she could always be viewed as one that got away.  Who knows, maybe one day Zack had plans to travel down from Cal U and visit USC in hopes of stalkingtracking her down.  Can the fleeting Danielle take out the institution of Carosi and her followers?

Polls for this region close tomorrow night.  Vote now and tell your friends to chip in their 2 cents.

SBTB Tournament: Girls of Zack Morris Region

It’s time to begin the tournament.  You can find the entire bracket here.  I admit this is my favorite region.  The dissection of the girls who have been involved with Zack Morris may now be listed as my new favorite hobbies.  As we open up the tournament please make only the most informed and thought-out votes going forward, there is a lot at stake here.  I have included any picutres I could find to help jog your memory but remember this is not a beauty contest, not entirely.  After the jump we present the region and each match-up.  Voting for this first round will go through late Saturday so vote and tell your friends to vote!

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