(I originally wrote this on YesButNoButYes, but I figured it was time to bring it back out.)
My intern keeps winking at me, rubbing her stomach and whispering “nine months” as she walks past. Lou, from accounting, dropped off a pamphlet on alcoholism on my desk, and there’s a pentagram burned into the carpet in my office. The day after an office holiday party is one full of regrets. Too much drink. Too much flirtation. Too much truth. The excesses are revealed the day after, and no matter how much you promise not to repeat the same mistakes next year, you always do. Always.
This year, I’ve written up a guide to keep you safe and prepared for next year. We’ll forgo the standard, don’t tell the boss to fuck off, don’t drink too much, advice. We’re going deeper this year.
“You’re so disgusting. It’s Christmas and the only thing on Desonesto is you and Thomas talking about your bathroom habits. I thought we raised you better than that.” -My Mother
It may be a bit too late, especially for the Jewish people who’ve already celebrated Hanukkah, or the people who celebrate Kwanzaa and whenever that occurs. But we at the Desonesto Doctrine would like to wish you a happy and healthy holiday season. May your days be filled with happiness, and your nights filled with some good ol’ fashioned fucking warmth.
A few years ago, I made a list of ten rules one should follow at the office holiday party. At the time, I was a peon working for a horrible online marketing company that specialized in stealing both you and your friends’ identities and selling them to advertisers for a stupid large amount of money.
A few years later and I’m now the co-founder of a new company that also steals the identity of everyone you know and sells it to the highest bidder, but the difference is - I’m in charge. So instead of going to a bar and getting shit-faced on well drinks, I decided to change things up a bit. This year, we took the staff to ride a mechanical bull. (See video above)
This inspired me to make a new list of holiday office party rules. One updated for the times. And here, for a new holiday season, are 10 more rules for the holiday office party.
In every family, there’s the kid who remembers everyone’s birthday, anniversary, sex change completion, and graduation. (That’d be me) Then there’s the other kid who’ll walk downstairs, check out the fully lit and decorated evergreen sitting in the middle of the living room, hear “Jingle Bells” playing on the stereo, and still wonder what’s going on this particular day and why all the banks are closed. (That’d be my brother Eric) And so it’s up to me to call him a few weeks before major holidays and remind him that he should show up with a gift. This usually devolves into “couldn’t you buy something from both of us and I’ll pay you back?” And he’s actually really good about remembering to reimburse me for the Kenny G albums I plied my mother with last Christmas.
But there are others in my family who aren’t so good at paying me back. (They shall remain nameless cough*uncle Andrew*cough) And because I’m not Italian, don’t own a gun, and have the threatening demeanor of a 5 year-old with a lollypop, I usually end up picking up the bulk of the bill.
Now that it’s December, it’s time to figure out what you’re giving your family as gifts this year. eBay doesn’t want you to get stiffed again this year, which is why they’ve launchedGroup Gifts – a super easy tool that lets you find and fund gifts through your social network, allowing a group of people to go in on a gift together - and split the cost, right away.
And, unless you enjoy spending half your day waiting in lines, forging through overcrowded malls or fighting over parking spaces, shopping online is a no brainer. Plus, take advantage of free shipping on most gifts and, for all you ultra-procrastinators, expedited shipping will get your gift where it needs to be just in time – even if you wait until the very last minute to make a decision.
There you are in Pottery Barn, checking out a “unique” desk lamp that every other person who thinks they’re stylish and original owns, and suddenly you hear it - the first few chords of a song you only hear during the last month of the year. A song you “think” you enjoy, but are too drunk on holiday cheer to realize it’s one of the worst butt nuggets to ever be committed to vinyl. And suddenly, you’re straddling the line of being swept away to a winter wonderland celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ, yet oddly uncomfortable that a man who was caught giving BJs in a public restroom is offering you advice on what to do with this holiday.
We’ve put together a list of the 5 worst offenders. Songs so offensive and poorly written, you’d find more artistic creativity in a pile of elephant shit sculpted to look like dogs playing poker.
As New Yorkers, we take a lot of shots at tourists, both here at the Doctrine and in our daily lives. This co-habitation with those who invade our city is defined as a nuisance by bother parties. (Tourists clog up our streets and we continually try to steal their wallets.)
But this year, I’m turning the other butt cheek. Instead of making fun, I’ve gathered some tips on how to enjoy a New York winter holiday without going to the usual tourist destinations. It’ll make for a much more enjoyable trip for you, and it just might help diffuse the rambling fanny-pack wearers from our sidewalks.
By Adam Ferguson
