The Desonesto Doctrine

Talking Shit with Adam and Thomas

• Adam: I just took an amazingly clean shit. No spackle hit the walls - if you know what I mean.
• Thomas: The teflon drop.
• Adam: It was crazy. I could have served Christmas dinner on my butt cheeks.
• Thomas: Must have been one hell of a wax job to keep the canyon walls clean like that.
• Adam: Oh trust me, there's no where to hide on my backside.
• Thomas: I took a shit so big the other day, my ass was bleeding like Macaulay Culkin after a sleepover at Neverland.
• Adam: How the hell am I supposed to come back from that? That was good. That was almost too good.
• Thomas: Did I rush it? Felt like I rushed it.
• Adam: No - very well crafted. Though please tell me you had to look up how to spell "Macaulay." No one should be able to pull that one out without spellcheck.
• Thomas: Is it right? I guessed.
• Adam: I'm on to you and your pedophiliac ways. When you move to a new neighborhood, are you required to walk around and introduce yourself to the neighbors?
• Thomas: No, I don't need to. They get notices from the government. And besides, he's OUR AGE.
• Adam: Yeah, but still a bit creepy.
• Thomas: Speaking of gay - are you aiming for the Marines or the Navy?
• Adam: Huh? (Thinks for a second) Oh you fucking dick. Coast Guard.
• Thomas: It's not gay if it's underway.
• Adam: I took a shit so potent, George Bush was thinking of invading my anus and exploiting its natural resources.
• Thomas: I took a shit so soft, Rex Ryan has a new fetish.
• Adam: I took a shit so long, beavers use it to build their houses.
• Thomas: I took a shit so hard, I texted a picture of it to Brett Favre.
• Adam: I took a shit so angry, they made it wear a Hannibal Lecter mask.
• Thomas: I took a shit so poorly put together, I had to pay Chinese import taxes.
• Adam: I took a shit so large, Jenny Craig is thinking about instituting it as a new diet plan.
• Thomas: My last shit had so much corn and rice in it, we're forcing it on Ghana ... and I get a rebate.
• Adam: I took a shit with so much force, Yoda said I'd completed my training.
• Thomas: This is not the shit you're looking for. I had a shit with so many things in it, Paul Jr is making a theme bike with it.
• Adam: Wow... not everyday a man makes an OCC reference on IM.
• Thomas: Same goes for Jenny Craig.

Talking Shit with Adam and Thomas

• Adam: I just took a shit so big it made my back hurt.
• Thomas: I took a shit so long it made Rapunzel cry.
• Adam: I just took a shit so big today that they could house the space shuttle in it.
• Thomas: I took a shit so big it's being used as a prosthetic for elephants.
• Adam: I took a shit so big I managed to shit out my gall bladder.
• Thomas: I shit a turd so large I had to flush the toilets in both adjacent stalls.
• Adam: I shit so huge that I filmed it as gay porn.
• Thomas: My shit was so big I took it home to insulate my house with it.
• Adam: I shit so big that you could legally adopt it in Romania.
• Thomas: I shit so big it would reach Romania.
• Adam: My shit was so large they used it to block the oil well in the Gulf.
• Thomas: I took a shit that splashed down so hard that @breakingnews reported an earthquake and issued a temporary tsunami warning.
• Adam: My shit was so huge that I choked a bit pushing it out.
• Thomas: I shit so big I'm collecting royalties from Play-Doh.
• Adam: Winner, Thomas Gallant

A Conversation Between Thomas Gallant and Me

• Adam: I just took a massive shit.
• Thomas: And?
• Adam: No photos, but it was fucking epic.
• Thomas: Then it didn't happen.
• Adam: Shit. I think it's thrown my center of gravity off.
• Thomas: It happens. I know the feeling. Take a nap.
• Adam: I just might. I feel like I've run a marathon.
• Thomas: Yep. Nothing like an exhausted sphincter.
• Adam: I wonder what the calorie burn is on something like that. It has to be up there with bocce.
• Thomas: It's like wall sits for your asshole.